2008: Awful Sh*t on the Internet

Im reminded of that scene in the Simpsons where Comic Book Guy is gonna be hit by a missile and realizes that he spent his life reading comic books....and gloats "LIFE WELL SPENT"!

Over and Over: From (maybe) Chic a go go

I SCOURED my email and myspace acct trying desperately to find this again. Im so glad its up. This video alone could make my entire year.

Ace Hits the Big Time The Dance Fight

You know, this was by FAR the most popular piece of crap i introduced everyone to this year. It still gives me the giggles; the homoeroticism, the dancing...it may never ever get old.

Speaking of OLD! (and possibly decaying as they are playing!)

The Hal Green Trio: From Stairway to Stardom

There was steep competition in the STWY to STNDM category. This fine fine show produced a WHOLE SLEW of awful awful awful crap that is supposed to pass for music. My favorite is Hal Green bc/ everyone seems like they are falling asleep as they play. And hes so off key. And b/c the song is pretty retarded. Actually, I wouldnt be surprised if they are all playing different songs- each awful in their own special way, and combined make up some sort of "super awful".

More Stairway to Stardom HERE! GO GO GO!

Even MORE S2S and, AND Bye Bye Life (appropriate after watching S2S clips)

Merry Merry Mrs Miller

Disco Date!

Sorry for the big ol bummer photo. I just automatically think of this awning when i hear this music.

Anydepressed, here is some good old house music for an icy snowy monday with only 2 days to go till xmas and no more days to go till hanukah!



MAW; Hardrive; ORS; kings of tomorrow, etc etc....oh and grace jones.

Some trivia too: Shari Vari is actually named after the store Charivari in NYC. I dont think it exists anymore, but my uncle used to take me there when i was a kid b/c he could afford things there and it was near this robot store he'd take me to. My uncle would preen and prep to go shopping at CHV- like a show pony (does my hat look ok? is this tie on straight?). I remember being disgusted at how much the clothing cost. Lots of heavy lines and like embroidered jackets with shoulder pads, and no robots for me. They did have a nice leather couch tho.

Well, the song SHV is Detroit's musings about the clientelle of that store; American Gigolo etc. and all his fancy clothes (yes, the movie and the people). Apparently AG was quite an influence on the detroit scene- something i didnt know until i read it yesterday in an old book.

Heres the reality (and wasnt in the book): the vast majority of the CHVs male clientelle was gay. I'd say close to 100%. Even as an 11 year old i knew that. It was really really obvious. Like Barneys Co Op obvious.

Guess no one told detroit.

Sunday Sunday

Whats Lance Conklin got to do with it? Nothing. Just a great ad.

John Wilson: Fine Art Films PART 2

Another oops on my part.

Hey! Its me! Kinda sorta ish. Why do all the bitches ALWAYS have brown hair? Veronica. Lucy. Rizzo. Cant they make a blonde bitch once in a while? (and no, sandy does NOT count).


Allow me to gush for a moment. I LOVE LOVE LOVE the opening credits from Grease. The rest is a'ight (im a sucker for Alan Carr musicals) but damn i love that song and the opening almost more than coffee. I mean, its a song, written by a Bee Gee, sung by Frankie Valli, in an Allan Carr movie, set to 70s animation. I ask you, what is NOT to love? Did I mention that Grease's success (read: cash) was directly responsible for Cant Stop the Music? Yes, both of these magical films were the brainchild of the same wonderful person who presumably, never worked again! Circle of Life

But wait! There's more!

Today i found out that John Wilson of Fine Art Films is responsible for the opening animation. The same John Wilson who did the Angie Baby video i am so goddamn fond of. The same John Wilson who is an amazing animator and whose various music videos you can find either here or on you tube.

I wonder if im dying! This is a lot of circular experience hitting me as of late.

Oh and JW also did the opening credits to the Midnight Special.

Here's Lou Rawls on that show. I also really like this song and this is a really good version of it. You'll never find... a better version of this song....

Snow!

So naturally its 70s music day. Not 70s disco. Like, 70s swiss chalet style romance...girls smelling of charlie...fake fur rugs and tin foil patterned wallpaper...sunken livingrooms with fireplaces...and great balls of comfort.

Happy Underdog Day

Technically, this "non holiday" is tomorrow. But i want to get on it early before the rush.

If you can make the connection btwn the photo and the title, well you deserve something.

Songs From Sam's Basement

AKA songs from the best period of skateboarding ever. In fact, Ill wager that skate videos were the only good thing about the mid 90s. Each song makes me feel old, which is kinda fun, b/c they are all old songs. Plan B and World Industries are responsible for many a missing record from mom's cabinet.

Lol some kids steal their parents liquor. This nerd stole their records.



Its gross out and im homebound so this is by no means finished. I need to find a copy of master of puppets. Lol something i thought ID NEVER EVER SAY and am slightly embarrassed for having said it.

A big, um, something to you if you can remember which video LGB was in. I cant for the life of me. I know it was in the beginning of it. It may have been a snowboarding video. And if it is, chances are its Whiskey. Cos that really is the only SB video i got into.

Fridays Child Deleted Her Post

Blah blah DJ Red Alerts Old School at Noon, school in Brooklyn so i enjoy freestyle blah blah blah

Tuesdays Child is an Idiot

Whoops! How very Neil of me. Yes, i know the vid shows Rik. He's also an idiot. So it works.

Oh and eat it re: DK record. Im going to die clutching that record. Im pissed i cut off "rick wakeman eat your heart out".


I just have to say that Pull My Strings may just be one of my top ten favorite songs. There's always room on my playlist for Jello. (well, actually east bay ray, but lets get into that some other time).

Note: how funny is it that Viv crosses out all the stuff on the blackboard and writes HAWKWIND on it?

Bonus: Rik as the Peoples Poet!

Thursdays Child is Full of Angst

Ha, not really. I guess i was in high school tho. Could be worse. I could have been one of those Ayn Rand readers.

Damn i want this live version.


Experience Staten Island Sub Culture High School.


Bonus. Darker My Love. From the Oscar Winning Film Suburbia. Starring Flea from RCHP
RIP Palmer video and their awful (fantastic) selection of movies.


Bonus? That scene in suburbia with DI and the chick in the pink dress who gets it ripped off by the skinhead.


Note: How RUDE. In my SALAD DAYS I went to many punk shows, and have had various incidents (being hit in the head with scaffolding of some sort during a really horrible hXc band, a broken nose from being too close to the mosh pit, ancillary involvement in girl fights (and boy fights too), disgusting bathrooms, holding back people's hair while they puked, various disgusting vegan food, a cockroach in my drink, ruined shoes, meeting Liz Hurley and Hugh Grant etc). but i never saw anything even remotely like this. Much less from a skinhead. Puhlease. Those kids were too busy drinking english LAGER (ugh), discussing the ugliness of the chelsea haircut (it is ugly) and whining about how "no one understands the difference between SHARPS and RedSkins and whatever other sub skin genre their shoelaces evidenced to rip off girls dresses with that sort of bravado.

Lol, cos I totally wished they would have. The humiliation of public nudity pails in comparison to the beat down you got from the skinhead girls if god forbid you hooked up with an Oi boy.

Disco Wednesday

Im getting into this playlist thing. Uploading files are crackhead safe and therefore, always be there for me to peruse. And speaking as a gal who lost close to 200 cds when a crackhead broke into her car and took her booklets, that is important to me.



Ill be posting crap all day you lucky lucky person. You know the drill. Etc Etc.

Monday Monday

Check this out. How HOT is Mike Damone.

Oh yeah and TV tells me that its "that season".
Here's some crap. U should know the drill. If you dont, then get on that immediately.

And i didnt put up Levert's Cassanova although i really really wanted to.



http://www.divshare.com/playlist/448906-a7e

Oops!

Ouch, i should have known this. If only b/c its included in my 2 favorite favorite films ever.


From Wikipedia:

D.C. LaRue (born David Charles L'Heureux on April 26, 1948 in Meriden, Connecticut, U.S.A.) was a Disco artist His music was successful in dance/disco clubs and on dance music charts worldwide during the late 70s and early 80s.

His first big hit happened in 1976 and was titled "Cathedrals". With its release on Pyramid Records D.C. proved he could write, sing, produce and perform like a true veteran. LaRue's 1976 "Cathedrals" 12" 45 RPM caused an immediate sensation in the disco/dance clubs through out the world. D.C. was the first white male to ever hold the #1 R&B/Soul chart position in England. "Cathedrals" was the first commercially available 12" disco single in the USA and the only 12" single to be charted on Billboard Magazine's Top 100 Singles chart before or since.

In less than a year he began work on his second album "The Tea Dance." The 1976 recording featured such notable background singers as Lani Groves and Sharon Redd. It also included a duet with legendary 1960's rock/pop icon Lou Christie. The stand out cuts included the 12" of "Face Of Love," "Overture" and "Don't Keep It In The Shadows." The album presented itself was a concept capturing the essence and feel of a Broadway show. LaRue's "Cathedrals" album sold over 100,000 copies in its first three weeks of release but "The Tea Dance" more than doubled that sales figure and over the course of its life and became a bigger hit.

About the extended break on the 12" re-mix of "Indiscreet" from "The Tea Dance" rapper Grandmaster Flash is quoted as saying "It was first Hip Hop break I heard...the start of all the Hip Hop and Rap to come!"

LaRue's movie debut was a cameo in the Bee Gee's Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band. D.C. also appeared in the Village People film "Can't Stop The Music." (1980)

OUCH. I was just discussing in the drive thru of Dinko Ds that CSTM is probably, the most emotionally significant cultural um, "product" Ive come across in the past 7 years. I remember it like it was yesterday....watching Industrial TV at like 2 am and seeing the trailer for this movie. I cant even count how many times Ive seen it. I want to be cremated with my copy of it. Unfortunately (or perhaps fortunately) someone has a real problem with posting clips from this MASTERPIECE on the toob.

And the award goes to....

What i did find:

The Ritchie Family so brilliantly disco discussing the glass ceiling


This is from the big party scene at the end of the movie, where the hetero village people go to San Fran. You know to play a gig to their screaming female friends. I read that filming this scene presented Nancy Walker (yes, the bounty lady directed this movie) with a problem: the producers or whoever littered SF with posters to see the band, and of course, only fabulous queens showed up. And this was a problem b/c they had to film the movie and well, screaming queens doesnt really "play in peoria". So these people paid to get in, and they just reshot "normal" person after "normal" person and mushed it all together to make it look like the crowd was larger, and more hetero than it was.

Im Nicety

Im so glad that this song is as stupid as i remember it being. In this ever changing world, Its the consistency in memory is soothing.
Oh and the first like stanza, makes NO FUCKING SENSE. Still. After ten or so years of analyzing it it makes NO sense.

Bonus Rap Bathos!!!!

He was always my favorite. Still prolly is. Oh and check his beeper. Classic Cool. 100% Grade a beef bitch (call me!)!

Just B/c

A holiday greeting from my cranky looking praying mantis. I thought the sparkles looked all festive. She's a very nice creature unless you are another insect and then she is completely nightmarish. She likes to sit on my head and make these weird noises. When she isnt sitting on my head, shes usually hanging upside down on the bamboo plant next to her cage. She also loves the heat emitting pipe in my dining room and is determined to make love to it or something.

Cant you just feel Wasabi's contempt? Thats HIS secret heat source in our home. And he was told he has to share it with his sister. Times are tough!

Soundtrack to my root canal

Let my pain be a lesson to you reader: put off tooth pain as long as you can, and you will spend 2.5 hours in an endodontist's office, with sweet air, 14 (yes, 14 i counted) shots of novocaine and a 2 hour shot of 'two for tuesday' on some classic rock station.

This song will, forever more, remind me of sweet air. They had the hose on full blast when this came on. Almost made the intense pain tolerable, but not really. I did get into it tho. Headphones and sweet air and this song made total sense to me.

Now it just really hurts when i smile.

Bonus! I love this movie. I wanted to find the scene in the theater. You know which one. No, not the one in the shower. Ugh, that shower scene was the worst. Used to have to watch it with my parents. Uncomfortable.

I love these two dudes anyway. David Naughton and Griffin Dunn? Oh both of them are just fine. FINE FINE FINE. Id take either, but im sorta leaning towards david naughton b/c hes a pepper! Ah. David Naughton. David Naughton from Makin it. And from the drunk off the wagon seinfeld episode. Daaaaavid Naughton.

He's MAKIN IT! He's HOT! Not anymore of course. Now the only thing hes Makin is me nauseus and sad.

Where was I?

Oh yeah. The dialog is awesome too. Talking to corpses is boring? WIN!

Tottenham Road Train Station: Scary even w/o werewolves.

Ugh i mean, its like England

And...The scene. NSFW obviously.

Dayum, how HOT is David Naughton in this movie? He has such puuuurty brown eyes. And i like his whole "puffy vest and collared shirt" look. His hair is kinda curly fug, but you see his ass in the transformation scene, so its ok. Its my desktop now thanks to the wonder of "grab".

Lol, insert "brown eye/ass" joke here. Grab ass joke would work too.

Jackie Blue...is confusing

I was standing in the shower thinking....no, not about what makes a man (ha, sorry about that), about this song.

Im completely confused. Is said Jackie like, an idiot (a la Fox on the Run), a gal who thinks she knows whassup but doesnt (like, um, hmm, Girl You Need a Change of Mind) or a manipulateress (a la the girl who dumps billy joel in "the stranger" and um, Bianca Jagger in she's so cold?) Pre shower, I thought it was a song about a crazy gal, a la Angie Baby. Albeit a milder version. NO crazy gal song can outdo Angie Baby on the Ophelia Crazy angle. Now that im dried off, im confused again.

what the hell is in the Ozark Mountain Water?

Lyrics.

and where can i get some?

Note: I read somewhere (just now!) that they are a "countrified Steely Dan". Ive mentioned my feelings on "the Dan" and their weird ass creepy songs and how they typify, to me at least, the old bait and switch: you think its a harmless song, then you think about it after and are like, WHAT? Im thoroughly intrigued.

The Greatest Collection of Sounds Ever

Im Still Still Mad.

I can credit this economy for one thing: giving me lots of free time to do free things. Like critique Pitchfork (isnt that what you use to pick up horse doody anyway?) and their bad taste in videos. And substitute their bad taste with my own.

SO, i trod on and bring you some more of the great videos of your lifetime.

Take Me Home Tonight: Eddie Money

Ok, i can hear you scratching your head. I told you to get that stuff checked out, but you dont listen. Oh? Youre wondering why i chose this? Easy: BUILDUP. I mean, youre looking at his face and seeing her silhouette and well...you wanna see what she looks like dont you? Feel the tension! The whole grand indulgence of the whole thing. Oh and how she doesnt slip considering the whole "spit valve thing" on a saxaphone. I was a band nerd. Ugh. that floor was probably a mess.

Saxon: RIde Like the Wind

Such a lovely mexican prison! Leather couches! How CHIC! This video falls into the "so bad its good category". Never mind that a metal band made a song that was originally done by Christopher Cross WHIMPIER. That is a feat in and of itself. But the general "unattractiveness" of this whole slop makes it a total win.

This is exactly why i hate facebook.

Genius email like this.

Tim said on Facebook that you two are married. We need you to confirm that you are, in fact, married to Tim.

Im Still Mad and Im Posting More Videos

Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned. Actually, minus that "scorned" part, b/c I really wasn't scorned by anyone. Rather, I just feel the need to point out some really glaring omissions to the best videos ever. Really.

KoKo Be Ware: Piledriver

Ok like Game over right? Can there possibly BE anything better than this video? No. Im not even going to list the many many many reasons this is the best thing ever created. And this includes sliced bread, antibiotics and bagels.

Once again, PFM BLOWS IT

NOTASTE PICKS THE BEST 100 VIDS

Does this online whateverthefuckitis EVER get things right? NAY. I seriously cant read that site too often b/c the cheneyface it gives me. Making "that face" too often can causes wrinkles; you know, from all the eyebrow furrowing, eye squinting and dry heaving. I will never understand why this site has been crowned some sort of authority on anything. So far the only thing Ive ever agreed with them on is, ironically, the inclusion of Small Town Boy in their list of good vids. Peachfuzz? REALLY? No. Bikes and hot boys make OK videos, not great ones. A-ha? Way to be creative. That shiteous California Tupac song? WTF?

So, here are MY choices for the best music vids. Vids that made mediocre songs good, or that made good songs great.

Van Halen: PANAMA.

why is it better than hot for teacher? That flying rig thing. Eddie blowing smoke rings in a tux. Party. Come ON! This looks like the Rock N Roll life I read about, minus the STDS and ODs. Plus, this song is soooooo good, except i suspect its really about Columbian marching powder as opposed to Panama.

GOF. PF picked Rio

Rio is as good as Hungry like the wolf. This is better than BOTH of them. Damn. I need to lie down. Why? Cos im apparently sexually attracted to a man in a headband.

Snoop & Dramatics and everyone else: Doggy Dog World

OH PLEASE, Nothing but a G Thing has NOTHING on this. COME ON. Really. Really now. I need to go punch something.

Will Powers: Adventures in Success

This ALONE proves that pitchfork doesnt know anything. NOTHING. Im not going to go into this whole record, but research it.

Tom Tom Club: Pleasure of love or genius of love (either l' do)

I posted POL b/c i havent seen this vid in a while. Its all very "hysterical blindness" isnt it? I wish the copy was clearer, but, what can you do folks.

Maiden. The Number of the Beast

There is NO need to explain why this is a great vid. In fact, the exclusion of this on PFs list makes me want to grab my flail and go to work in Chudford, so to speak. Actually run to the hills could work here too. Maybe even Wasted Years.

Metallica: One

Oh did this video FREAK ME THE HELL OUT as a kid. Johnny got his gun. Dayum. I really hate Metallica, but kudos for this vid.
Another omission that made my head shake violently. This may be the MOST depressing video on earth.

Party All The Time: EM and RJ

Was this included that list? I cant be assed to look. Who cares, it really is the best thing ever isnt it?

Steppin Out: Joe Jackson

Another No Brainer.

Pavement: Cut Your Hair

I really hate Pavement. But yet! I love this video. And b/c of it i know all the words to this song. And now i kinda like it. It may just be the only Pavement song that ACTUALLY MAKES SENSE. Heed his word, musicians. Chops a must.

Rodney: Rappin Rodney

Again, what the hell.

And now, the vids they wont let me embed:

White n Nerdy I dont think i can sit through this song in its entirety w/o cracking the hell up. Maybe its my jewish DNA, i dunno, but he cracks me up. And this beats even his old stuff. Which is kinda cool right? Lol, his ergonomic keyboard never leaves him bored. And the Star Wars Xmas special ALONE makes this a SERIOUS WIN.

Uh Heres Miami Beach for you!
Now this is a real shame. This video is, like, on par with STB as like, the uh, least heterosexual thing I ever did see.

Who Knew? The Wagon etc.

Who knew this even had a video, let alone a good one? One that plays by my rules. Claymation is as good as animation. No faces. Entertaining.

I used to looooooooove this band, and yes, everything else on SST.

Not this. I didnt like this song. In fact, Rollins RUINED Black Flag. RUINED.

Is that Kim Gordon on background vocals? Eugh. I hate this goddamn song. The vid is so lo rent though. B-.

I should publicly note that there are NO good dead milkmen songs up on youtube. No Nutrition. No Swordfish.

MORE ESPECIALLY AWFUL HOLIDAY FILMS: a bitchy queen in tinsel

A clip from The Magic (?) Christmas Tree (1964)


No wonder the late 60s were so nuts. This is one seriously TERRIBLE film. And what's with that tree? Charles Nelson Riley, is that you? What the HELL!

Adios Mash-up! Dont let the door hit you on the way out!

It may not be illegal but it sure is AWFUL.

YES! I knew this day would come! The day....the mashup is over! Its dead! Ding dong! Pardon me while i uncork my ears for the first time in a good year.

How do i know its dead? B/c I was watching Rachel Ray (yes, i watch cooking shows b/c I am a wife and i do enjoy cooking) and she just compared some sort of corriander caka salad to a mashup. Her words: "like a mashup...you know when they play one song and add in another? I JUST LOOOOVE THOSE."

Its OVER! ITS FINALLY OVER! When Food Network namechecks a style, its coolness is like, well, DONE. Like a burnt carcass.
Ive been praying for either the mashup or my grim death for a good year now. Im glad Im alive to savor the victory. Ever since i heard that track in Austin ive been DEAD SET AGAINST the mashup. I hate them. I hate them with almost every inch of my being (the last inch saved for fusion jazz).

So SELAH! Its Over! Praise whoever! Its a party!

Happy Birthday

Oh Ryan. Ryan Ryan Ryan. Ryan who is in the Notebook, a movie I havent seen and wont see. I cant watch that. I dont think i could survive it.

Anyway, thank you to whatever creator created this hot piece. Looking at him makes me feel all nice...and stupid. He's not a bad actor either, but who cares about that.

The Sound of My Money Disappearing

There's a soundtrack to my poverty you know. Its got a name too: Bob James.

Nautilus: bob James Daytona 500).

OH THE PAIN. THE PAIN THE PAIN. I may be the only person on the planet who hasnt played GTA, so this song is new to me. Ive publicly stated my love for that Ghostface video. Its definitely in my top three. Im all for animation in videos. Im tired of looking at (f)artists in their videos. Who cares about them and their faces, arms and legs.

But back to jazz'ish land. The fact that i id'd the song while i am broke makes it all the more sad.

WHAT THE HELL. Have i been living under a rock?


storm king: bob james 3

MORE ESPECIALLY AWFUL HOLIDAY FILMS, including the Star Wars Special

Dig my KANYE CAPS?

This is, aside from the spotlight on the sweet potato, the best part about the holidays.

Santa and the Ice Cream Bunny


From the GOD who posted this on youtube:

"Imagine yourself, 9 years old, dropped off at the Cinema Theater in the Vineland shopping center to watch something called Santa and the Ice Cream Bunny while your mother goes hunting for last-minute Christmas items. The poster you saw in the lobby depicted Santa and a huge rabbit riding around in a vintage fire truck, but it has now been well over an hour and you've had to endure endless shots of a skinny, sweat-stained Santa, sitting in a sleigh, muttering about the heat in Florida as well as a wrenchingly boring movie about Thumbelina that was sprung on you from out of nowhere and you have yet to see any sign of this so-called Ice Cream Bunny. Anticipation builds. Against your better judgment, you force yourself to believe that there must be something truly awe-inspiring about the Ice Cream Bunny's ultimate appearance. At this stage, nothing less than a titanic rabbit GOD dispensing gallon after gallon of soft serve ice cream from a fire hose would justify the tedium you've endured. And then... This! THIS!!!! This winking, prancing, wrinkly freak! This saggy refugee from a costume shop bargain bin! THIS is your precious ICE CREAM BUNNY!!!! And not a single trace of ice cream!!! You've been DUPED!!!! USED!! And if you hadn't fully realized it before, you certainly do now; adults can and will do terrible things to unsuspecting kids.. and you will never, ever forget it."

Ah, the soothing sounds of the Star Wars holiday special.



You know, the first like 15 mins of this flick arent even in english. Its in Wookie. Family Wookie. Oh my GOD. Is that....no, its not. IT IS! Harvey Korman? WHY HARVEY WHY?

Here is Bea Arthur, in what i consider the highlight of this film.


Wow. Thats a hard act to follow. I just love this hot bitch. Serious. The golden girls are dope. Gets my estrogen running!

Anancy cartoon!

Dig it. 70s cartoon about my favorite spider/trickster.

Sometimes anancy is depicted as a man, but he's a spider. Here hes a man.


And heres a russian political cartoon from the 70s. Disses us pretty hard.

Completely worth watching.

AN EXCEPTIONALLY AWFUL HOLIDAY FILM

UUUUUUUUUUGH. I saw this turd yesterday b/c i left the tv on. No, I didnt have to watch the whole thing; but I did. I didnt tape it, so i have some self respect left.

I cant even begin to describe how terrible this movie is. The dialog stinks. The not so special effects stink. That stupid magic harmonica stinks. The snowman is creepy and CORNY. The music has and/or name drops bad renditions of decent songs (they even mention Hot In the City by Billy Idol). The whole premise surrounding his death (his band has some "really important show ("this is IT GUYS! I CAN FEEL IT!") that they just NEED to do on Xmas) and the vomit inducing change of heart that ultimately kills him is a completely sub moronic idea. The only thing that is even remotely redeemable about this movie is that its so goddamn awful. It transcends the boundaries of terrible and goes to some outer universe of terrible. Like terrible to the second power.

In fact, why bother reviewing it, when someone else said it so much more eloquently than I could've. From Roger Eberts SCATHING review of this crappy movie.

"The snowman gave me the creeps. Never have I disliked a movie character more. They say state-of-the-art special effects can create the illusion of anything on the screen, and now we have proof: It's possible for the Jim Henson folks and Industrial Light and Magic to put their heads together and come up with the most repulsive single creature in the history of special effects, and I am not forgetting the Chucky doll or the desert intestine from "Star Wars". (ed. read: "that sand vagina" thing)

the whole review: funny as hell

Bad Vid Great Song: The System

Ugh. What stinks in here?

When the best I can call you is a "low rent jermaine jackson" your ass is in trouble. Thats not even close to being a complement. Stalk much, jermainey? I say you should spend less time following that pile of frizz in white jeans, and more time learning how to dance. The other guy isnt doing much for me either. In fact, he's just standing there doing nothing. Adding nothing. Sheesh. Im shocked the machines didnt like, overpower them and say, "NUH HUH KIDS. You aren't gonna do that to our song." At least the video equipment could have pitched in and like, broke or something. But, as non sentient beings that they are, the machines stood idly by and did nothing. So much for progress/artificial intelligence.

All the fashion/dance/darwinian atrocities aside, this song is really really good. I remember hearing it on red alert's show and then hearing it again while watching GLITTER. Yes, Glitter. Mariah may stink but she knows her 1980s dance music. Ill go down saying that Glitter acting is comparable in awfulness to its greatness musically. People 20 years from now will celebrate it like "cant stop the music".

Glitter: the trailer


Glitter: the club scene. (terrible acting/terrence howard hotness/da brat, um, somethingness) That also looks like Rushdie's old wife. Just watch it.


See? SEE? Great music! Baaaaaaaad acting! How dope huh?

Babe were gonna love tonight? Last night a dj saved my life and didnt mean to turn you on in the damn TRAILER. The guy who plays the dj/producer/vomitocious love interest of Mariah/dead man (sorry for the spoiler) is like, THE WORST actor. Classic line "Cut all this superfluous shit" (when he's creating her "song"). Now THAT is writing! Or was it ad libbed? How will i ever know? How am i going to ever be ok with this?

Plus, terrence "baby wipes" howard is in it. Before he was all hot in Hustle n Flow. I can watch any movie with him in it.

My Halloween Costume

I went nowhere. I did dress up tho. As a person who is still is into indie rock. I got into it. I even made a tape while i cleaned my den of all the crap i was listening to as i tripped down england highschool bowl haircut memory lane. The Church! Sinead Oconnor (Hands on me, not NC2U)! Big Audio Dynamite! And of course, eventually I wandered my way into Massive Attack, which of course leads to Fox Base Alpha. And then i said, ah fuck it, and just listened to that instead.

This is another one of "those songs" that makes me feel all kinda weird. Im about as romantic as, um, well...someone who isnt at all romantic, but even I "get" this song. Awww. Its just so sad. She's so sad! She loves him! He dont love her! He loves someone else! That sucks hard! I guess I identify with St Etienne's brand of retro-socio-sexual sadness? Or am i just susceptible to suggestion? Did i get it from my mom? Is it because of the Australian? Did i leave the iron on?

AnyOCD, I may have even put this song up before. And if i did? Eh. Good. There are few things that deserve repeated exposure: st etienne's spring is one of them. In fact, this whole record is good. Nay. Great. I'd say one of the best records from 91 if not the best.

After 91? Eh.

The Worst Witch

Happy Halloween! Harry WHO?

Part II of this thang.




Oh like this isnt the BEST PART.


-fin-

The Human Tornado?

BITCH! Are you for real?
Obv this is NSFW.


There was a sequel to Dolemite? Really? Why didnt I know this?

Here's the plot of this masterpiece

After coming off a successful comedy tour, Dolemite throws a get-together at his mansion, there he announces that he is to offer his mansion to the person that started a drive for a new boys' home, then is rudely interrupted by the local sheriff and his deputies because they're a group of black people having a party, thus causing trouble. Turns out the Sheriff's wife is offering Dolemite money for sexual services. When the sheriff catches them red handed, he promptly shoots his wife. Dolemite and his friends kidnaps a young man (who happens to be gay) and his car and decide head to California where he is to meet Queen Bee, only to find out that the local mob man, Joe Cavaletti kidnapped two of her girls and forced her to close down her joint and work for him. Dolemite must rescue Queen Bee, her girls and teach the grease balls a lesson all the while being chased by his hometown's sheriff for the murder of his wife he pinned on him.
The final scenes are similar to much of the era's kung fu scenes along with the expected added sound effects, and a fight with none other than the "Central American Nunchuck champion".

Oh this looks terrrrrrible. My kinda terrible.



Just LOOK at this fight! WAAHAAHAA. Why does this keep speeding up? Is this on purpose? Why am i having trouble breathing?

I know he just died and all, but come on. It takes a special person to make something THIS awful.

Guns n Roses Bar Mitzvah

Such nicely dressed young men! And the kid on the blow up plastic guitar RIPS!


Lol. sorry. Everyone who ever went to a bar/bat mitzvah anywhere w/in the tri state area during the "prosperous 1980s" made one of these stupid tapes. Myself included. I have no idea where mine is. THANK GOD. All i know is that those wigs have been worn by like, thousands of sweaty balding men wet from "dancing" and drinking.

This is probably one of the funniest things ive ever seen.

Seriously, ive seen it and posted it before and i still have tears rolling down my cheeks. I bet everyone hates that dude. Its completely his fault.
2:05 the blow up guitar makes ANOTHER appearance. The hardest working plastic piece of crap in showbiz!

Here's the boys rendition of girls just wanna have fun.

Yep. You saw that. God exists.

Freestyle Fever!

Feel the burn

Baby Love

Catch me im falling

Fascinated

pretty self explanatory

Hold Me: Menudo

This was a good song. I dont care if menudo did it. Actually, it makes me dig it more. I had it for Menudo when i was a kid. They had an ABC show. It was called "Menudo on ABC". It was on saturday mornings. I watched it religiously.
lol.

A common thread

Eh. Was going to write a whole thing about why people falling on their ass is something that everyone in the world finds funny, so, its kinda a universal truth, but that sort of belittles the subject doesnt it?

Scarlet Takes a Tumble THE REMIX!


NEXT!


Bad dancing from AFV. My favorite show.

from .36 on i almost died from laughing. They say this is the worlds most popular show. I can see why.

Life Immitates art or vice versa? Helen keller actress gets into her roll and off the stage.


This isnt falling down but this is a FAIL if i ever saw one.

Awful x 3

Kinda a grab bag of bad gifts. But then again, you dont call me enough.

Elvis? Is that you? I swear, the same stage presence! And the disappearing act! WOW!


Im not sure what im more in love with: his hat or the necklace


remind me to not see this film.

my favorite band

It didnt take me more than 4 minutes of editing that smiths thing before i said to myself....I need to write up about how much i like New Order. B/c I really like that band. Always good records. Even when they are "meh" they are good. If you like Joy Division more than New Order, then i dont want you reading my blog anymore. Its bad enough I married someone who likes them better, and thats some "eternal sunshine/spotless mind worthy" shit for me.

New Order is probably the reason i dont bother writing songs. Why the hell should i? They just wrote them all for me. I may not have understood that going down was about, um, not jackson pollack paintings, but i "got" all the new order songs. They covered all my feelings nicely. Better than I could have- certainly much more poetic and weighty than something i could come up with. Im happy to leave it to the pros. Its why i dont cut my own hair or make my own clothing. Its also why i DONT read Pitchfork.

Anypitchforkhasterribletaste, New Order was that happy medium that i would PRAY for when out: just one goddamn song would be enough to satisfy me for an evening. Something to dance to that didnt have whining about hearts and meat or wasnt the stone fucking roses.

Blue Monday


The Beach 12 Inch.

The Perfect Kiss.

directed by Demme it says. Big deal. Wish they would have recorded it better.

From the Republic record: GREAT VIDEO. Proof they still had it at that time.

I just really dig this video. Doesnt take away from the song and reminds me of South Beach.

But Nature Played This Trick On Me.

Get your whatever those flowers were and stick em out of your back pocket and SING ALONG! Gladiolas? Was that them?



I guess given the cyclical nature of life, it would only be a matter of time before i started....ugh.... hold on. Swallowing hard here. Liking the smiths again. Yes, the smiths. I will admit it: i was one of those kids, except I liked Marr better than Moz. I never was obnoxious about it, but ugh, alone in my room...some serious lameness. SERIOUS LAMENESS. Not black lipstick/goth lameness, but kinda close. Belting out I wont share you (was it about Johnny?) and crying. Yodeling to Shakespeares Sister (or w/e thta song was). Dedicating unhappy birthday to someone on college radio. Having unhappy birthday dedicated to ME on college radio. (my comeback? Sick of you by GWAR! Eat me!)

Anyodosurungus, after college, you couldnt get me NEAR that band. My friends? oh, they got a little too near one or two of those guys for my tastes, which led to all sorts of information that made me like them even less as a band. Depressing. It all reminded me too much of England. Too much of college. Too much of the anglophiles i stayed with in college. Too much of college IN england. Too much of Tiswas. I even allowed my Mozdisgust to trickle onto Johnny Marr's side band, who i never checked out. Sorry Johnny. (Note: electronic did not suffer the same fate b/c its half new order and well, dont get me started on that band b/c we will be here for a while discussing their MERITS and how they are AWESOME).

But, maybe its the cold weather, or the tea ive been drinking, but im curious as to why, all the SUDDEN, I think this band is great again. Not great enough to suffer through a night of hipster hell to listen to the music tho. I did that in 95-98. Not doing it again and not sure why anyone would bother in the first place.

But, i digress. Moz and Marr were good. And maybe i just needed a rest. Momentary lapse of reason, or, earth shattering rediscovery of lost youth and fun albeit british times?


PS. Pretty Girls make graves was scribbled on letters/ on mix tapes i got from boys a lot back in like hs. Almost exclusively from straight edge boys. Ugh, you know, "put a smiths song on your tape to show you how "in touch with yourself" you are. I never thought a smiths song on a tape was evidence of anything other than just that: idiot introspection, but now thinking about it, said inclusion on these woo-tapes is disturbing for two reasons: either (a) said boys were too dumb to realize it was a song about being um, uh, not on her 'team', or, b) someone was trying to tell me something. Given the people in question, i am REALLY sure it was A.

Dont blame me, i voted for Kodos

I need a laugh after today's "obama bucks" bullshiat. That stinks.

Citizen Kang. Entirety. Nice. Who loves you?

Stop! We have reached the limits of what rectal probing can teach us!

My second favorite: the abortion rally.

Hot Air: Bad Commercial

im laughing so hard i am crying. After 50 seconds of listening to the sound of hissing compressed air, they tell you it will be ready in ten minutes? Couldnt you have said that around, um, 10 seconds in? Was the wait really necessary? Never mind that they didnt even really show you how to hook it up to the compressed air canister. Arguably the most important part of the whole "balloon blowing process". Who cant turn a valve? If you're saying "I cant" then, well, you need to get on that immediately.

Also, why even bother with the techno-ish background music? Isnt the hissing enough?

On a positive note: My hat goes off to you if you able to sit and listen to hissing, screeching air for ten whole minutes. I couldn't do it. I'd last longer than if i had to listen to Midnight Train to GA, or Daddys Home, but i'd be begging for deafness at the two minute mark.

Ps. I timed myself. 7 seconds. With a hangover it was 2.

Simple things make me happy

Aquariums make me happy.
NYC in the a.m. makes me really REALLY happy (so quiet and nice!)
Singer songwriters that arent bob dylan make me happy.
Hearing* a new good record make me happy also, but especially when they are good ones that i probably wouldnt have strolled across had it not been for someone else's generosity/musical know!

So im SPREADING THE WEALTH!

Ouch man!


This whole record is like if Cat Stevens (guitar), Shuggie Otis (hippie) and JJ Cale (bottom dweller/diane arbus subjects) all beat up Bob Dylan. Van Morisson was there, but he was too drunk to do anything except pee on himself. I really hate the whole "comparison list of artists who people sound like" but if you cant beat them, join them I guess. And while all the articles on him mention BD, and some mention SO and CS, no one mentioned the similarity to JJ Cale. And im like, "why not?".

In my opinion, they sound similar-ish, but their content is different. Wheras this Rodriguez guy sorta covers the "gil scott heron drug junkie sad people territory" but with an added "foo foo at you" twist (more later), JJ Cale got the dirty folks doing dirty things and was sort of a lover about the whole thang. Even when he was ripping his subject a new one.

Even when the lyrics arent dirty, the songs are still dirty, right? This is a nice one of his.


But back to Mr. Sixto.

A cursory review of Mr Sixto Rodgriguez shows that he was pretty much ignored in the USA, but ran for public office in Detroit.
Full circle huh? He also kinda looks like Carlos Santana. Which would make me ignore him also. On a physical level. The content of his songs would make me ignore him on a sexual level. But more on this later.

So this catchy record played a time or so on my speakers while i did stuff. And i liked it. A more thorough review of his record in the shower revealed a sort of inner layer to this otherwise catchy in a sneaky way record.

Yes. i listen to music in the shower. But i digress: the majority of songs on this record are dis' songs. Sure they are kinda like, tame by todays standards, but a dis is a dis! Im wondering who this Rodriguez dude was writing about- she (or he) must have been something else! He doesnt love her, insinuates that shes a slut, and then writes a record about her. Which means he protests too much. Which can make for sonic entertainment if done properly. And its done properly here. Plus, how many years its been (if ever) have you have heard the word "sex" used as a VERB in a song? (ok: i wanna sex you up: sex is a verb there). Although its not my favorite song on the record, "I wonder" is worth a listen. Sounds like Buddy Holly, but twisted lyrics about said whore and who she's been spreading it around to and whether she knows who is next. Hey Rod! She knows who ISNT next! You brother. You got a bad attitude!

Sad. They blew it, huh?

Oh massive attack. OH the PAIN. How much did i LOVE this band when Blue Lines came out? I loved it as much as i love ice cream. I loved this record. I was in love with this record. Sure, a few turkeys were on it. And then protection came out, and i was like um.... ok. Then Mezzanine. P fucking U.

But yes, Massive Attack and Nellee Hooper. Sigh. Sad right? Only if you ascribe to the "have to make more than 1 great album" standard to continue to be relevant, which i sorta don't. To me, one great record is better than 2 shitty ones.

But it stings. That Mez record is all sorts of awful. I never listened to them again.

Cue violins.

ITS BACK! I FOUND IT!

Pet Peeve? WTF is that?
Ah, now that summers over, I really can enjoy this.  Looks like they pulled it (my link is dead) and someone found it again. Here's to that person! You made my day!

Note: Please vote for "pet peeve" in the contest. B/c there is NO WAY that "New Jersey is one of the best states in New Jersey" can win. NO. 

Songs about Witches, Bores and Slots

You know its going to be "one of those days" when you've been up an hour and this song infests your brain.


Hmm. I guess Supersonic is a better song. But this song concentrates more on their "whoreishness" and therefore is slightly more entertaining lyrics wise.

Bonus! They like cars too! Cars that backfire!

See, i dont dig this song. Its kinda stupid. 

No song re: a bad car will EVER BE BETTER THAN Public Enemy's ode to the 98 Olds. Phaps the ugliest car in history. PU!  Its really one fugly-ass car.  I was told it is the old cop car.  I dunno if that is true.  But here is what IS true: as was the case with the cheap/crappy technology that made classic hip hop (literally and figuratively), the shiteous 98 Olds is a classic lemonade thing.*  And by that i mean lemons to, not "still is/bruce willis".


How many many times have my better half and I screamed this song (and raised our fists!) out our windows from our...um, not a 98 Olds! Its on auto-trigger now, kinda like "walking in the rain" when it rains. Public Enemy rarely made me laugh (with them as opposed to at their hypocrisy) and this song makes me realize that if Chuck woulda chill'd I may have liked PE more.
Cos I really wasnt that big a fan.

And sophisticated whatever from this record sucks. Again, 1 song will forever be known in my brain as the ultimate "bitch dis" song. Obv this is NSFW.



WEEEEEE! Bitch eat shit and die! WAHHAAHAAHHAA. Others have come close, but as far as laffs per minute, this song KILLS. It makes up for "are we there yet". Wait, no it doesn't.

Note for Stephanie: I almost put AMG's bitch betta have my money up. 100% USDA GRADE A BEEF! CALL ME!
Note for everyone else: Stephanie rocked my world with this song when we were in college. I dont think I ever laughed so hard from a cd booklet. Listen to it with headphones on.

BONUS BONUS!
SInce i got on the topics of dis'n'song, I shouldn't forget this gem:
The ode to hubris! And a SMART song.

See, he was smart waaay before he married that GODDESS Coco. This song is pretty brilliant. Each part attacks a certain "sub genre" of Moron Arrogantis. And coming from NY, Im WELL ACQUAINTED with this animal (that, mind you, eats its own poop, but more on this later, if ever). Not that it only comes from new york: in FACT, the most fascinating specimen of moron arrogantis was sighted in Austin Texas. Serious. He was of a sub genre not really addressed in this song, but, I wont hold Ice Ts omission against him. Im fine with the "hardass/dumbass", "flash cashers" and "hot shit for ten minutes, then just plain cold shit forevermore" he deals with. But the broader issue seems to be the old adage about empty barrels making the most noise. Moron Arrogantis is the walking breathing equivalent of this maxim. And this is its anthem. So WISE! WISE WISE WISE!
Wise enough to allow me to ignore his frequent abuses of the female bathing suit in his videos.