Jackie Blue...is confusing

I was standing in the shower thinking....no, not about what makes a man (ha, sorry about that), about this song.

Im completely confused. Is said Jackie like, an idiot (a la Fox on the Run), a gal who thinks she knows whassup but doesnt (like, um, hmm, Girl You Need a Change of Mind) or a manipulateress (a la the girl who dumps billy joel in "the stranger" and um, Bianca Jagger in she's so cold?) Pre shower, I thought it was a song about a crazy gal, a la Angie Baby. Albeit a milder version. NO crazy gal song can outdo Angie Baby on the Ophelia Crazy angle. Now that im dried off, im confused again.

what the hell is in the Ozark Mountain Water?

Lyrics.

and where can i get some?

Note: I read somewhere (just now!) that they are a "countrified Steely Dan". Ive mentioned my feelings on "the Dan" and their weird ass creepy songs and how they typify, to me at least, the old bait and switch: you think its a harmless song, then you think about it after and are like, WHAT? Im thoroughly intrigued.

The Greatest Collection of Sounds Ever

Im Still Still Mad.

I can credit this economy for one thing: giving me lots of free time to do free things. Like critique Pitchfork (isnt that what you use to pick up horse doody anyway?) and their bad taste in videos. And substitute their bad taste with my own.

SO, i trod on and bring you some more of the great videos of your lifetime.

Take Me Home Tonight: Eddie Money

Ok, i can hear you scratching your head. I told you to get that stuff checked out, but you dont listen. Oh? Youre wondering why i chose this? Easy: BUILDUP. I mean, youre looking at his face and seeing her silhouette and well...you wanna see what she looks like dont you? Feel the tension! The whole grand indulgence of the whole thing. Oh and how she doesnt slip considering the whole "spit valve thing" on a saxaphone. I was a band nerd. Ugh. that floor was probably a mess.

Saxon: RIde Like the Wind

Such a lovely mexican prison! Leather couches! How CHIC! This video falls into the "so bad its good category". Never mind that a metal band made a song that was originally done by Christopher Cross WHIMPIER. That is a feat in and of itself. But the general "unattractiveness" of this whole slop makes it a total win.

This is exactly why i hate facebook.

Genius email like this.

Tim said on Facebook that you two are married. We need you to confirm that you are, in fact, married to Tim.

Im Still Mad and Im Posting More Videos

Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned. Actually, minus that "scorned" part, b/c I really wasn't scorned by anyone. Rather, I just feel the need to point out some really glaring omissions to the best videos ever. Really.

KoKo Be Ware: Piledriver

Ok like Game over right? Can there possibly BE anything better than this video? No. Im not even going to list the many many many reasons this is the best thing ever created. And this includes sliced bread, antibiotics and bagels.

Once again, PFM BLOWS IT

NOTASTE PICKS THE BEST 100 VIDS

Does this online whateverthefuckitis EVER get things right? NAY. I seriously cant read that site too often b/c the cheneyface it gives me. Making "that face" too often can causes wrinkles; you know, from all the eyebrow furrowing, eye squinting and dry heaving. I will never understand why this site has been crowned some sort of authority on anything. So far the only thing Ive ever agreed with them on is, ironically, the inclusion of Small Town Boy in their list of good vids. Peachfuzz? REALLY? No. Bikes and hot boys make OK videos, not great ones. A-ha? Way to be creative. That shiteous California Tupac song? WTF?

So, here are MY choices for the best music vids. Vids that made mediocre songs good, or that made good songs great.

Van Halen: PANAMA.

why is it better than hot for teacher? That flying rig thing. Eddie blowing smoke rings in a tux. Party. Come ON! This looks like the Rock N Roll life I read about, minus the STDS and ODs. Plus, this song is soooooo good, except i suspect its really about Columbian marching powder as opposed to Panama.

GOF. PF picked Rio

Rio is as good as Hungry like the wolf. This is better than BOTH of them. Damn. I need to lie down. Why? Cos im apparently sexually attracted to a man in a headband.

Snoop & Dramatics and everyone else: Doggy Dog World

OH PLEASE, Nothing but a G Thing has NOTHING on this. COME ON. Really. Really now. I need to go punch something.

Will Powers: Adventures in Success

This ALONE proves that pitchfork doesnt know anything. NOTHING. Im not going to go into this whole record, but research it.

Tom Tom Club: Pleasure of love or genius of love (either l' do)

I posted POL b/c i havent seen this vid in a while. Its all very "hysterical blindness" isnt it? I wish the copy was clearer, but, what can you do folks.

Maiden. The Number of the Beast

There is NO need to explain why this is a great vid. In fact, the exclusion of this on PFs list makes me want to grab my flail and go to work in Chudford, so to speak. Actually run to the hills could work here too. Maybe even Wasted Years.

Metallica: One

Oh did this video FREAK ME THE HELL OUT as a kid. Johnny got his gun. Dayum. I really hate Metallica, but kudos for this vid.
Another omission that made my head shake violently. This may be the MOST depressing video on earth.

Party All The Time: EM and RJ

Was this included that list? I cant be assed to look. Who cares, it really is the best thing ever isnt it?

Steppin Out: Joe Jackson

Another No Brainer.

Pavement: Cut Your Hair

I really hate Pavement. But yet! I love this video. And b/c of it i know all the words to this song. And now i kinda like it. It may just be the only Pavement song that ACTUALLY MAKES SENSE. Heed his word, musicians. Chops a must.

Rodney: Rappin Rodney

Again, what the hell.

And now, the vids they wont let me embed:

White n Nerdy I dont think i can sit through this song in its entirety w/o cracking the hell up. Maybe its my jewish DNA, i dunno, but he cracks me up. And this beats even his old stuff. Which is kinda cool right? Lol, his ergonomic keyboard never leaves him bored. And the Star Wars Xmas special ALONE makes this a SERIOUS WIN.

Uh Heres Miami Beach for you!
Now this is a real shame. This video is, like, on par with STB as like, the uh, least heterosexual thing I ever did see.

Who Knew? The Wagon etc.

Who knew this even had a video, let alone a good one? One that plays by my rules. Claymation is as good as animation. No faces. Entertaining.

I used to looooooooove this band, and yes, everything else on SST.

Not this. I didnt like this song. In fact, Rollins RUINED Black Flag. RUINED.

Is that Kim Gordon on background vocals? Eugh. I hate this goddamn song. The vid is so lo rent though. B-.

I should publicly note that there are NO good dead milkmen songs up on youtube. No Nutrition. No Swordfish.

MORE ESPECIALLY AWFUL HOLIDAY FILMS: a bitchy queen in tinsel

A clip from The Magic (?) Christmas Tree (1964)


No wonder the late 60s were so nuts. This is one seriously TERRIBLE film. And what's with that tree? Charles Nelson Riley, is that you? What the HELL!

Adios Mash-up! Dont let the door hit you on the way out!

It may not be illegal but it sure is AWFUL.

YES! I knew this day would come! The day....the mashup is over! Its dead! Ding dong! Pardon me while i uncork my ears for the first time in a good year.

How do i know its dead? B/c I was watching Rachel Ray (yes, i watch cooking shows b/c I am a wife and i do enjoy cooking) and she just compared some sort of corriander caka salad to a mashup. Her words: "like a mashup...you know when they play one song and add in another? I JUST LOOOOVE THOSE."

Its OVER! ITS FINALLY OVER! When Food Network namechecks a style, its coolness is like, well, DONE. Like a burnt carcass.
Ive been praying for either the mashup or my grim death for a good year now. Im glad Im alive to savor the victory. Ever since i heard that track in Austin ive been DEAD SET AGAINST the mashup. I hate them. I hate them with almost every inch of my being (the last inch saved for fusion jazz).

So SELAH! Its Over! Praise whoever! Its a party!

Happy Birthday

Oh Ryan. Ryan Ryan Ryan. Ryan who is in the Notebook, a movie I havent seen and wont see. I cant watch that. I dont think i could survive it.

Anyway, thank you to whatever creator created this hot piece. Looking at him makes me feel all nice...and stupid. He's not a bad actor either, but who cares about that.

The Sound of My Money Disappearing

There's a soundtrack to my poverty you know. Its got a name too: Bob James.

Nautilus: bob James Daytona 500).

OH THE PAIN. THE PAIN THE PAIN. I may be the only person on the planet who hasnt played GTA, so this song is new to me. Ive publicly stated my love for that Ghostface video. Its definitely in my top three. Im all for animation in videos. Im tired of looking at (f)artists in their videos. Who cares about them and their faces, arms and legs.

But back to jazz'ish land. The fact that i id'd the song while i am broke makes it all the more sad.

WHAT THE HELL. Have i been living under a rock?


storm king: bob james 3

MORE ESPECIALLY AWFUL HOLIDAY FILMS, including the Star Wars Special

Dig my KANYE CAPS?

This is, aside from the spotlight on the sweet potato, the best part about the holidays.

Santa and the Ice Cream Bunny


From the GOD who posted this on youtube:

"Imagine yourself, 9 years old, dropped off at the Cinema Theater in the Vineland shopping center to watch something called Santa and the Ice Cream Bunny while your mother goes hunting for last-minute Christmas items. The poster you saw in the lobby depicted Santa and a huge rabbit riding around in a vintage fire truck, but it has now been well over an hour and you've had to endure endless shots of a skinny, sweat-stained Santa, sitting in a sleigh, muttering about the heat in Florida as well as a wrenchingly boring movie about Thumbelina that was sprung on you from out of nowhere and you have yet to see any sign of this so-called Ice Cream Bunny. Anticipation builds. Against your better judgment, you force yourself to believe that there must be something truly awe-inspiring about the Ice Cream Bunny's ultimate appearance. At this stage, nothing less than a titanic rabbit GOD dispensing gallon after gallon of soft serve ice cream from a fire hose would justify the tedium you've endured. And then... This! THIS!!!! This winking, prancing, wrinkly freak! This saggy refugee from a costume shop bargain bin! THIS is your precious ICE CREAM BUNNY!!!! And not a single trace of ice cream!!! You've been DUPED!!!! USED!! And if you hadn't fully realized it before, you certainly do now; adults can and will do terrible things to unsuspecting kids.. and you will never, ever forget it."

Ah, the soothing sounds of the Star Wars holiday special.



You know, the first like 15 mins of this flick arent even in english. Its in Wookie. Family Wookie. Oh my GOD. Is that....no, its not. IT IS! Harvey Korman? WHY HARVEY WHY?

Here is Bea Arthur, in what i consider the highlight of this film.


Wow. Thats a hard act to follow. I just love this hot bitch. Serious. The golden girls are dope. Gets my estrogen running!

Anancy cartoon!

Dig it. 70s cartoon about my favorite spider/trickster.

Sometimes anancy is depicted as a man, but he's a spider. Here hes a man.


And heres a russian political cartoon from the 70s. Disses us pretty hard.

Completely worth watching.

AN EXCEPTIONALLY AWFUL HOLIDAY FILM

UUUUUUUUUUGH. I saw this turd yesterday b/c i left the tv on. No, I didnt have to watch the whole thing; but I did. I didnt tape it, so i have some self respect left.

I cant even begin to describe how terrible this movie is. The dialog stinks. The not so special effects stink. That stupid magic harmonica stinks. The snowman is creepy and CORNY. The music has and/or name drops bad renditions of decent songs (they even mention Hot In the City by Billy Idol). The whole premise surrounding his death (his band has some "really important show ("this is IT GUYS! I CAN FEEL IT!") that they just NEED to do on Xmas) and the vomit inducing change of heart that ultimately kills him is a completely sub moronic idea. The only thing that is even remotely redeemable about this movie is that its so goddamn awful. It transcends the boundaries of terrible and goes to some outer universe of terrible. Like terrible to the second power.

In fact, why bother reviewing it, when someone else said it so much more eloquently than I could've. From Roger Eberts SCATHING review of this crappy movie.

"The snowman gave me the creeps. Never have I disliked a movie character more. They say state-of-the-art special effects can create the illusion of anything on the screen, and now we have proof: It's possible for the Jim Henson folks and Industrial Light and Magic to put their heads together and come up with the most repulsive single creature in the history of special effects, and I am not forgetting the Chucky doll or the desert intestine from "Star Wars". (ed. read: "that sand vagina" thing)

the whole review: funny as hell

Bad Vid Great Song: The System

Ugh. What stinks in here?

When the best I can call you is a "low rent jermaine jackson" your ass is in trouble. Thats not even close to being a complement. Stalk much, jermainey? I say you should spend less time following that pile of frizz in white jeans, and more time learning how to dance. The other guy isnt doing much for me either. In fact, he's just standing there doing nothing. Adding nothing. Sheesh. Im shocked the machines didnt like, overpower them and say, "NUH HUH KIDS. You aren't gonna do that to our song." At least the video equipment could have pitched in and like, broke or something. But, as non sentient beings that they are, the machines stood idly by and did nothing. So much for progress/artificial intelligence.

All the fashion/dance/darwinian atrocities aside, this song is really really good. I remember hearing it on red alert's show and then hearing it again while watching GLITTER. Yes, Glitter. Mariah may stink but she knows her 1980s dance music. Ill go down saying that Glitter acting is comparable in awfulness to its greatness musically. People 20 years from now will celebrate it like "cant stop the music".

Glitter: the trailer


Glitter: the club scene. (terrible acting/terrence howard hotness/da brat, um, somethingness) That also looks like Rushdie's old wife. Just watch it.


See? SEE? Great music! Baaaaaaaad acting! How dope huh?

Babe were gonna love tonight? Last night a dj saved my life and didnt mean to turn you on in the damn TRAILER. The guy who plays the dj/producer/vomitocious love interest of Mariah/dead man (sorry for the spoiler) is like, THE WORST actor. Classic line "Cut all this superfluous shit" (when he's creating her "song"). Now THAT is writing! Or was it ad libbed? How will i ever know? How am i going to ever be ok with this?

Plus, terrence "baby wipes" howard is in it. Before he was all hot in Hustle n Flow. I can watch any movie with him in it.

My Halloween Costume

I went nowhere. I did dress up tho. As a person who is still is into indie rock. I got into it. I even made a tape while i cleaned my den of all the crap i was listening to as i tripped down england highschool bowl haircut memory lane. The Church! Sinead Oconnor (Hands on me, not NC2U)! Big Audio Dynamite! And of course, eventually I wandered my way into Massive Attack, which of course leads to Fox Base Alpha. And then i said, ah fuck it, and just listened to that instead.

This is another one of "those songs" that makes me feel all kinda weird. Im about as romantic as, um, well...someone who isnt at all romantic, but even I "get" this song. Awww. Its just so sad. She's so sad! She loves him! He dont love her! He loves someone else! That sucks hard! I guess I identify with St Etienne's brand of retro-socio-sexual sadness? Or am i just susceptible to suggestion? Did i get it from my mom? Is it because of the Australian? Did i leave the iron on?

AnyOCD, I may have even put this song up before. And if i did? Eh. Good. There are few things that deserve repeated exposure: st etienne's spring is one of them. In fact, this whole record is good. Nay. Great. I'd say one of the best records from 91 if not the best.

After 91? Eh.