Spoonie Gee The Big Beat, the sex song with no sex in it

So sorry, NOT the godfather cos i dont like that song.



Anyway. How awesome is this? Once upon a time, little me used to religiously listen to hot 97s old school @ noon w/ Red Alert, and once in a while he'd drop this and well, i'd be one happy little suburban white girl. Mind you this was before the intronets, so at best i could guess who sang it, and/or ask people at stores who would inevitably send me to the fucking wrong record. And so it sat on the mental shelf till this drunken ass Fri am when Red Alert came on (at 3 am no less, thank you Kiss FM) and i was reminded of its greatness.

99 cents later, its all mine. And its got me thinking. Why dont people do songs like this any more? You know what kinda song im hinting at: this is a song about SEX. Notice: not one curse nor mention of a body part! To find a hip hop song about sex that isnt completely filthy (and uh, a total turn off if you wanna go there) is like finding a Seven Sisters grad on the ho stroll. Which in this economy may be slightly easier than normal, but still kinda impossible.

My long and belabored point is that...ok, i dont really have one. Im gonna get to work on that.

PS. Peaches/Kool G/Ghetto Boys are exempt from the above discussion b/c their lyrics are hyperbole and funny as fuck.

Bonus Non Sequitur!
Well a semi non sequitur. Here is another Red Alert "mystery/usually misidentified" song from le old school at noon. Another Man by Barbara Mason. I cant even tell you how many shiteous records are named "another man"; but i can tell you only one f em accuses its subject of "switching more than she does" and stealing her sexy dresses. AND WALKING DOWN MARKET STREET! Oooh! Escandalo!

OH NO HE DIDNT!

Dimitri: Man of My Dreams

She didnt call him back..but she saved his messages... He's PISSED! He doesn't play games! Ladies! He has NOTHING wrong with him! In fact, now he's an internet star!

Theo Jansen's Beach Creatures

Here's something that makes me feel completely intellectually inadequate.

Im going to run off and live with these.

And the Toyota robot. He's coming also. Asimo is not invited until he learns to walk properly.

The Thing That Tried to Eat Jim Goad's Brain

Don't you just love the random "Hi, long time no talk I had a brain tumor removed" email?

In what continues to be perhaps the strangest weekend ever, I received a rather unsettling/unusual/out of the blue email from old penpal/nature photographer/temple grad/author/husband/singer/father and all around nice guy (MY WORDS, not his) Jim this morning informing me that he had a plum sized tumor removed from his head a week or so ago.

Now normally Im not the type to air out people's laundry and illness on here, but my guess is, since im so way down the priority chain in JG's life, and he's telling me this, he's feeling bored, sick and in need of a cheer up. And probably in need of some money b/c brain surgery sounds like, pretty expensive.

Actually, Ive been thinking of doing a "celebrate you even though you aren't dead yet" feature on this website for people who arent dead yet, but should be lauded while they can hear it. I was panning on doing David Lee Roth, but I guess its JG's my first one. Sorry Bro!

AM! was like a secret little vetting procedure by us smartass punks in high school/college. If you liked it, you were in. That zine (coverless b/c the cover was too offensive to read in public) has been all over the world with me. I've read the first three (not the 4th) so many times I can quote most of the articles verbatim. I've introduced countless others to it, including my mom (who is actually more of a Debbie fan). And unlike most people whose work i admire and then meet and are disappointed by, Jim is what he is off paper as he is on paper. A special kind of asshole. A fantastic mess. A complicated man with a plum sized tumor they didnt let him keep. A great writer.

So like, buy his books n things. Think happy thoughts (even though he'd prolly barf from it). If you aren't familiar with Answer Me, you should be. Look it up and buy it, but prepare to be offended by it in some way or another. And be prepared to think your writings stinks, b/c he and D were good. Real good. She's dead. He's still good.

Even though he yelled at me, and disagrees with me on almost everything, I'm still a huge fan. Dang you, Jim Goad.

Answer Me!

Answer Me/Jim & Debbie on Wiki
Where you can find his website, books, recent writings, sonogram of the golden child, photo of the plumb, etc etc.

More! Stairway to Stardom

This show reminds me of the Winchester House. You know, that house that was so haunted the owner built all these staircases and doors that went nowhere?

Hairdresser. A song where a woman who looks like Hillary Clinton "sings" a sophmoric "song" about the positive affect a good haircut can have on your life. And then sings a song that is COMPLETELY unrelated in the middle of it.


I dont even KNOW where to start, but i guess "Cut my hair it wont behave....set it up with gel and wave; 2 ringlets...keep the top a little wet" is as good a place as any, huh? SO GOOD. Of course she's antsy in that chair! She's got places to go and people to see! And planets to fly to and government secrets to pass onto the ants that live in the empty soda bottles in her house.

You know, more people need to write songs about good haircuts. Just not her. Don't mess with perfection.

Gloria Huddle: Hello Operator

Operator? Information? Can i have the number for the nearest mental hospital?

She begins to sing around :50 in. Not that talking to herself in an English accent isn't entertaining, but she goes completely certifiable in the song. Even the people in the background are stunned.

This show is quickly becoming my favorite thing ever. Its so low rent. Its so awful. In fact, its so terrible it arcs past awful and somehow makes it back to good. Like a circle. Like the circle of life. Good and bad. Gothic beauty. Etc etc.

Um yea whatever, its completely stupid. Glory-ah has a serious case of weird eye and its giving me the CREEPS.

Did I just hear something? Why are my windows rattling? Operator? Information?

the best song in the world

Adrian Mumsey: The Lost Sheep

Black Lace: winner of the dr hook award for retarded sexuality in song

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Truly Terrible: from Lithuania

Let me sit down for a second and list ten things "wrong" with this pile of mind boggling awful.



1. Wrong: That outfit with the blackface.
2. Wrong: The other outfit the keyboarder has on.
3. Wrong: The singing back up hot dogs.
4. Wrong: A song that has an opening line that goes "I was making myself a salad, and i was chopping a lot of carrots."
5. Wrong: Writing a song about a salad.
6. Wrong: Writing a song about a salad that is so confusing, i cant quite grasp whether or not you are pro salad or anti salad.
7. Wrong: Making me care about his opinion on salad.
8. Wrong: Pigs do not eat mud.
9. Wrong: That thing that comes in at 2:55
10.Wrong: That its the tenth time ive watched this thing this weekend.
11. BONUS SPINAL TAP WRONG: Its not a ballad about salad. Its up tempo, almost like a ska song about salad.

You Make My Pants (want to get up and dance)

Im a gal of few words when it counts.
Englebert Humperdink. 1982 Las Vegas Hilton.



I came across this gem a year or so ago, and then forgot who it was that performed this song. Naturally you can understand my excitement in remembering that it was mr HUMPERDINK. Humperdink. What a stooooooooopid name.

That being said, this is perhaps the video most worthy of being on a website called "the slop sink". Enjoi.

WB Superstar USA

Behold! The greatest program since Prisoner Cell Block H. WB Superstar USA. The American Idol parody that lasted but ONE season on the WB network. The premise is that the singers are all terrible, but they believe they are good. The quest was to find the worst singer. I believe Jamie was the wrong choice, as Rosa was clearly the shittiest. However, here are some notable performances that will make you feel better about yourself.

Say hello to Frank.


The heat is on with the runner up, Mario.


My favorite, Omar. Catch the note at 1.38.


Lets kick it Jo Jo style.

Jazzercise

This is really something. Did someone go skiing before they worked out or is this a natural thing? B/c if it is natural i think this is a statement as to how the mentally ill can positively contribute to society.

Pickle Surprise

This just made my morning.

Pickle Surprise: Where's the Pickle?


From the youtube, since i never heard of this person before this morning.

A quintessential New York underground film/video artiste, the late Tom Rubnitz took a bite out of the Big Apple and spat it out in a wild kaleidoscope of unequivocal camp and hallucinogenic color. He used all the best people from NYC -John Sex, Happi Phace, the B-52s, Lypsinka, Ann Magnuson, Quentin Crisp, Michael Clark, and Lady Bunny- are but a few of the stars that shine oh-so-brightly in Rubnitz's glittering oeuvre. A genre artist par excellence, Rubnitz treated the sexy-druggy-wiggy-luscious desserty qualities of the '80s downtown club scene with the loving care only a true hedonist could show. Rubnitz passed away from AIDS in the summer of 1992.

Ok Ill quit picking on Canada.

I guess I should start on Australia.

Unlike Canada, whose disco drek etc. is entertaining, Australia presents me with a problem. A problem I believe is best represented by the Little River Band and their song "reminiscing" and by the general um, existence, of their local homeboy done all the toughies in Australia proud, Leigh Bowery.

Exhibit 1: The Little River Band. Reminiscing


Exhibit 2: Leigh Bowery


The problem here, is inconsistency.

Australia, and by extension, their music, runs the gamut between the truly truly amazing, to the truly truly awful. But not even like, ha ha Canada awful. Just awful. Take reminiscing for example. Parts of this song are absolutely horrendous. Starts out bad, gets decent, gets good and then gets all terrible again, heightening the disappointment. Like that time at coney island when i almost got decapitated by a phone line on this ill placed ride. I assumed the ride wasnt gonna be a big deal, got on and it was flying all over the place, was LOVING it, and then almost died on it. It was the worst kind of bummer.

Same with Leigh Bowery. Some of his schtick was real good- like real real good; then we have raw sewage and minty and ugh... Ill spare everyone the pain of minty. Not that Raw Sewage was much better. In fact, they stunk too. We also have his concentration camp stunt, the marrying the woman at the last minute despite being clearly and openly gay for so long (how very elton john of him).. I could go on. But i wont.

Because i believe my point is clear. Get consistent Australia! Either produce quality or don't. Because you can only hold on to ACDC for so long. One good band does not a continent make!

Canada's answer to the Village People

Ah the 1970s. A time where the artistic showpiece of the worlds most exclusive and biggest nightclub was giant moon man with an equally gigantic coke spoon up his nose. A time where spandex was acceptable for women, and occasionally, for men if worn as a top. A time where people had shampoos called "Gee Your Hair Smells Terrific" and drove "Le Cars".
And apparently a time where a band would name themselves the Skatt brothers, and be somewhat successful.

the Skatt Brothers: I walk the night


This is some seriously hot stuff, right? Well, the instrumental at least. The lyrics, well... that rod beneath his coat line is a real kick no? Hot dog! We have a wiener... but wait.

Watch THIS.

The Bros at the Outpost. (or, Give your love to a cowboy man).
This video and song just about negates everything decent they ever did. (See above).


Im confused here. And this may just be the most awful thing ive ever seen. I know i say this a lot. But i really mean it this time. I know that the Village People were "supposed" to be straight (at least in Cant Stop the Music they were). Are these guys supposed to be straight too? Everything i know is WRONG. WRONG WRONG WRONG!

Andromeda Space Rockers

That craazy band from that crazy Buck Rogers episode named above.





Im a BSG gal m'self, but Ill give crappy credit where crappy credit is due That looks like one helluva party.

But we all know what was the superior tv show.

Whats with all the fuss? Its just a dancing condom

Actually... does a diagram of sex count as "adult content"? Does it matter when you are being taught to use a rubber by a cadre of dancing prophylactics? Again, from fartontits.



God bless that website. After careful analysis, i realized what i find so funny about this. Its the white gloves. Makes me think of the Supremes.

A movie can improve your life

from fartontits.com

Xuxa and Brazilian Stuff

I was listening to some music from someplace not cold and wet, and i remembered the fabulous and unpronouncable Xuxa. El show de Xuxa. Actually its el xou de xuxu. Xuxa. Sorry.

This show always puzzled me. I never understood a word of it, but i knew the blonde was really pretty and the studio design was really tacky and therefore, awesome. Her outfits were also kinda risque, but then again, how could you focus on anything for more than ten seconds? The whole place seemed like such a fantastic mess. As opposed to an unfantastic mess like Queens NY where i used to watch it.


I still cant follow it. I saw: a cat sing to Xuxa, and a weirdo turtle thing get married to a pig.

Here is a balao magical (which i assume means magical balloon), which roughly translates into bad sid and marty kroft ripoff.


That worm is hot. Actually this whole damn thing is great. From the pederast lookin dude with the jheri curl to the orange balloon with the orange for a head, it delivers on all ends.

And who knew the orange was so talented? Remember her aria? (Sesame Street).

Oh and heres some funness on jheri the curl

A hairstyle popular in the 1980's among urban black americans. A jheri curl was a two-part application that consisted of a texturizer and an activator. The texturizer used awful-smelling chemicals to turn interesting kinky hair into lank, lifeless stringy curls that hung down, while the activator kept the subsequently damaged hair from breaking and falling off while providing an oily, slimy sheen reminiscent of kelp that had just washed up on the beach.

...Also, application of water to the jheri curl caused the activator to rinse out and subsequently left the hair a frizzy, damaged mess, so people with jheri curls by necessity avoided the swimming pool; the need to keep the hair from water probably gave rise to the urban trend of wearing shower caps over one's hair outside. (ed: Huh? Urban trend of wearing shower caps outside? Really? That is actually WORSE than the curl. Congrats.

No more bread and butter...and possibly testicles

The Newbeats: Bread and Butter



Ok so its not disco. However, its noteworthy because:
1. Its a fun song about food and infidelity and the importance of a wife cooking a meal for her husband (or man, or woman per se).
2. Take a good look at the singer. This is the first time Ive seen his face. Prior to seeing said face, I thought (a) the singer was a woman, and (b) the singer was black.
WHOOPS.

Im Really Gifted

When it comes to finding total crap on you tube. It just comes to me. If only buckets of money would come as easy.

I came across this, um, whatever it is, when I was looking for videos by a disco band called Lace.

WHAT THE HELL IS THIS? A bartender with a CHERRY HEAD? This is a first. And hopefully a last. Im not one for dispensing advice, BUT, If you go to a bar and see the bartender has a head that is, in fact, a cherry (as opposed to red from being an alcoholic) then id say its time to stop drinking there.



oh, and who is "fruitier"; the dudes in the band (dressed as fruit) or the nelson brothers in the leather pants?