Friday, October 31, 2008

The Worst Witch

Happy Halloween! Harry WHO?

Part II of this thang.

Oh like this isnt the BEST PART.


Thursday, October 30, 2008

The Human Tornado?

BITCH! Are you for real?
Obv this is NSFW.

There was a sequel to Dolemite? Really? Why didnt I know this?

Here's the plot of this masterpiece

After coming off a successful comedy tour, Dolemite throws a get-together at his mansion, there he announces that he is to offer his mansion to the person that started a drive for a new boys' home, then is rudely interrupted by the local sheriff and his deputies because they're a group of black people having a party, thus causing trouble. Turns out the Sheriff's wife is offering Dolemite money for sexual services. When the sheriff catches them red handed, he promptly shoots his wife. Dolemite and his friends kidnaps a young man (who happens to be gay) and his car and decide head to California where he is to meet Queen Bee, only to find out that the local mob man, Joe Cavaletti kidnapped two of her girls and forced her to close down her joint and work for him. Dolemite must rescue Queen Bee, her girls and teach the grease balls a lesson all the while being chased by his hometown's sheriff for the murder of his wife he pinned on him.
The final scenes are similar to much of the era's kung fu scenes along with the expected added sound effects, and a fight with none other than the "Central American Nunchuck champion".

Oh this looks terrrrrrible. My kinda terrible.

Just LOOK at this fight! WAAHAAHAA. Why does this keep speeding up? Is this on purpose? Why am i having trouble breathing?

I know he just died and all, but come on. It takes a special person to make something THIS awful.

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Guns n Roses Bar Mitzvah

Such nicely dressed young men! And the kid on the blow up plastic guitar RIPS!

Lol. sorry. Everyone who ever went to a bar/bat mitzvah anywhere w/in the tri state area during the "prosperous 1980s" made one of these stupid tapes. Myself included. I have no idea where mine is. THANK GOD. All i know is that those wigs have been worn by like, thousands of sweaty balding men wet from "dancing" and drinking.

This is probably one of the funniest things ive ever seen.

Seriously, ive seen it and posted it before and i still have tears rolling down my cheeks. I bet everyone hates that dude. Its completely his fault.
2:05 the blow up guitar makes ANOTHER appearance. The hardest working plastic piece of crap in showbiz!

Here's the boys rendition of girls just wanna have fun.

Yep. You saw that. God exists.

Saturday, October 25, 2008

Freestyle Fever!

Feel the burn

Baby Love

Catch me im falling


pretty self explanatory

Hold Me: Menudo

This was a good song. I dont care if menudo did it. Actually, it makes me dig it more. I had it for Menudo when i was a kid. They had an ABC show. It was called "Menudo on ABC". It was on saturday mornings. I watched it religiously.

A common thread

Eh. Was going to write a whole thing about why people falling on their ass is something that everyone in the world finds funny, so, its kinda a universal truth, but that sort of belittles the subject doesnt it?

Scarlet Takes a Tumble THE REMIX!


Bad dancing from AFV. My favorite show.

from .36 on i almost died from laughing. They say this is the worlds most popular show. I can see why.

Life Immitates art or vice versa? Helen keller actress gets into her roll and off the stage.

This isnt falling down but this is a FAIL if i ever saw one.

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Awful x 3

Kinda a grab bag of bad gifts. But then again, you dont call me enough.

Elvis? Is that you? I swear, the same stage presence! And the disappearing act! WOW!

Im not sure what im more in love with: his hat or the necklace

remind me to not see this film.

my favorite band

It didnt take me more than 4 minutes of editing that smiths thing before i said to myself....I need to write up about how much i like New Order. B/c I really like that band. Always good records. Even when they are "meh" they are good. If you like Joy Division more than New Order, then i dont want you reading my blog anymore. Its bad enough I married someone who likes them better, and thats some "eternal sunshine/spotless mind worthy" shit for me.

New Order is probably the reason i dont bother writing songs. Why the hell should i? They just wrote them all for me. I may not have understood that going down was about, um, not jackson pollack paintings, but i "got" all the new order songs. They covered all my feelings nicely. Better than I could have- certainly much more poetic and weighty than something i could come up with. Im happy to leave it to the pros. Its why i dont cut my own hair or make my own clothing. Its also why i DONT read Pitchfork.

Anypitchforkhasterribletaste, New Order was that happy medium that i would PRAY for when out: just one goddamn song would be enough to satisfy me for an evening. Something to dance to that didnt have whining about hearts and meat or wasnt the stone fucking roses.

Blue Monday

The Beach 12 Inch.

The Perfect Kiss.

directed by Demme it says. Big deal. Wish they would have recorded it better.

From the Republic record: GREAT VIDEO. Proof they still had it at that time.

I just really dig this video. Doesnt take away from the song and reminds me of South Beach.

Monday, October 20, 2008

But Nature Played This Trick On Me.

Get your whatever those flowers were and stick em out of your back pocket and SING ALONG! Gladiolas? Was that them?

I guess given the cyclical nature of life, it would only be a matter of time before i started....ugh.... hold on. Swallowing hard here. Liking the smiths again. Yes, the smiths. I will admit it: i was one of those kids, except I liked Marr better than Moz. I never was obnoxious about it, but ugh, alone in my room...some serious lameness. SERIOUS LAMENESS. Not black lipstick/goth lameness, but kinda close. Belting out I wont share you (was it about Johnny?) and crying. Yodeling to Shakespeares Sister (or w/e thta song was). Dedicating unhappy birthday to someone on college radio. Having unhappy birthday dedicated to ME on college radio. (my comeback? Sick of you by GWAR! Eat me!)

Anyodosurungus, after college, you couldnt get me NEAR that band. My friends? oh, they got a little too near one or two of those guys for my tastes, which led to all sorts of information that made me like them even less as a band. Depressing. It all reminded me too much of England. Too much of college. Too much of the anglophiles i stayed with in college. Too much of college IN england. Too much of Tiswas. I even allowed my Mozdisgust to trickle onto Johnny Marr's side band, who i never checked out. Sorry Johnny. (Note: electronic did not suffer the same fate b/c its half new order and well, dont get me started on that band b/c we will be here for a while discussing their MERITS and how they are AWESOME).

But, maybe its the cold weather, or the tea ive been drinking, but im curious as to why, all the SUDDEN, I think this band is great again. Not great enough to suffer through a night of hipster hell to listen to the music tho. I did that in 95-98. Not doing it again and not sure why anyone would bother in the first place.

But, i digress. Moz and Marr were good. And maybe i just needed a rest. Momentary lapse of reason, or, earth shattering rediscovery of lost youth and fun albeit british times?

PS. Pretty Girls make graves was scribbled on letters/ on mix tapes i got from boys a lot back in like hs. Almost exclusively from straight edge boys. Ugh, you know, "put a smiths song on your tape to show you how "in touch with yourself" you are. I never thought a smiths song on a tape was evidence of anything other than just that: idiot introspection, but now thinking about it, said inclusion on these woo-tapes is disturbing for two reasons: either (a) said boys were too dumb to realize it was a song about being um, uh, not on her 'team', or, b) someone was trying to tell me something. Given the people in question, i am REALLY sure it was A.

Friday, October 17, 2008

Dont blame me, i voted for Kodos

I need a laugh after today's "obama bucks" bullshiat. That stinks.

Citizen Kang. Entirety. Nice. Who loves you?

Stop! We have reached the limits of what rectal probing can teach us!

My second favorite: the abortion rally.

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Hot Air: Bad Commercial

im laughing so hard i am crying. After 50 seconds of listening to the sound of hissing compressed air, they tell you it will be ready in ten minutes? Couldnt you have said that around, um, 10 seconds in? Was the wait really necessary? Never mind that they didnt even really show you how to hook it up to the compressed air canister. Arguably the most important part of the whole "balloon blowing process". Who cant turn a valve? If you're saying "I cant" then, well, you need to get on that immediately.

Also, why even bother with the techno-ish background music? Isnt the hissing enough?

On a positive note: My hat goes off to you if you able to sit and listen to hissing, screeching air for ten whole minutes. I couldn't do it. I'd last longer than if i had to listen to Midnight Train to GA, or Daddys Home, but i'd be begging for deafness at the two minute mark.

Ps. I timed myself. 7 seconds. With a hangover it was 2.

Simple things make me happy

Aquariums make me happy.
NYC in the a.m. makes me really REALLY happy (so quiet and nice!)
Singer songwriters that arent bob dylan make me happy.
Hearing* a new good record make me happy also, but especially when they are good ones that i probably wouldnt have strolled across had it not been for someone else's generosity/musical know!


Ouch man!

This whole record is like if Cat Stevens (guitar), Shuggie Otis (hippie) and JJ Cale (bottom dweller/diane arbus subjects) all beat up Bob Dylan. Van Morisson was there, but he was too drunk to do anything except pee on himself. I really hate the whole "comparison list of artists who people sound like" but if you cant beat them, join them I guess. And while all the articles on him mention BD, and some mention SO and CS, no one mentioned the similarity to JJ Cale. And im like, "why not?".

In my opinion, they sound similar-ish, but their content is different. Wheras this Rodriguez guy sorta covers the "gil scott heron drug junkie sad people territory" but with an added "foo foo at you" twist (more later), JJ Cale got the dirty folks doing dirty things and was sort of a lover about the whole thang. Even when he was ripping his subject a new one.

Even when the lyrics arent dirty, the songs are still dirty, right? This is a nice one of his.

But back to Mr. Sixto.

A cursory review of Mr Sixto Rodgriguez shows that he was pretty much ignored in the USA, but ran for public office in Detroit.
Full circle huh? He also kinda looks like Carlos Santana. Which would make me ignore him also. On a physical level. The content of his songs would make me ignore him on a sexual level. But more on this later.

So this catchy record played a time or so on my speakers while i did stuff. And i liked it. A more thorough review of his record in the shower revealed a sort of inner layer to this otherwise catchy in a sneaky way record.

Yes. i listen to music in the shower. But i digress: the majority of songs on this record are dis' songs. Sure they are kinda like, tame by todays standards, but a dis is a dis! Im wondering who this Rodriguez dude was writing about- she (or he) must have been something else! He doesnt love her, insinuates that shes a slut, and then writes a record about her. Which means he protests too much. Which can make for sonic entertainment if done properly. And its done properly here. Plus, how many years its been (if ever) have you have heard the word "sex" used as a VERB in a song? (ok: i wanna sex you up: sex is a verb there). Although its not my favorite song on the record, "I wonder" is worth a listen. Sounds like Buddy Holly, but twisted lyrics about said whore and who she's been spreading it around to and whether she knows who is next. Hey Rod! She knows who ISNT next! You brother. You got a bad attitude!

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Sad. They blew it, huh?

Oh massive attack. OH the PAIN. How much did i LOVE this band when Blue Lines came out? I loved it as much as i love ice cream. I loved this record. I was in love with this record. Sure, a few turkeys were on it. And then protection came out, and i was like um.... ok. Then Mezzanine. P fucking U.

But yes, Massive Attack and Nellee Hooper. Sigh. Sad right? Only if you ascribe to the "have to make more than 1 great album" standard to continue to be relevant, which i sorta don't. To me, one great record is better than 2 shitty ones.

But it stings. That Mez record is all sorts of awful. I never listened to them again.

Cue violins.

Friday, October 10, 2008


Pet Peeve? WTF is that?
Ah, now that summers over, I really can enjoy this.  Looks like they pulled it (my link is dead) and someone found it again. Here's to that person! You made my day!

Note: Please vote for "pet peeve" in the contest. B/c there is NO WAY that "New Jersey is one of the best states in New Jersey" can win. NO. 

Songs about Witches, Bores and Slots

You know its going to be "one of those days" when you've been up an hour and this song infests your brain.

Hmm. I guess Supersonic is a better song. But this song concentrates more on their "whoreishness" and therefore is slightly more entertaining lyrics wise.

Bonus! They like cars too! Cars that backfire!

See, i dont dig this song. Its kinda stupid. 

No song re: a bad car will EVER BE BETTER THAN Public Enemy's ode to the 98 Olds. Phaps the ugliest car in history. PU!  Its really one fugly-ass car.  I was told it is the old cop car.  I dunno if that is true.  But here is what IS true: as was the case with the cheap/crappy technology that made classic hip hop (literally and figuratively), the shiteous 98 Olds is a classic lemonade thing.*  And by that i mean lemons to, not "still is/bruce willis".

How many many times have my better half and I screamed this song (and raised our fists!) out our windows from, not a 98 Olds! Its on auto-trigger now, kinda like "walking in the rain" when it rains. Public Enemy rarely made me laugh (with them as opposed to at their hypocrisy) and this song makes me realize that if Chuck woulda chill'd I may have liked PE more.
Cos I really wasnt that big a fan.

And sophisticated whatever from this record sucks. Again, 1 song will forever be known in my brain as the ultimate "bitch dis" song. Obv this is NSFW.

WEEEEEE! Bitch eat shit and die! WAHHAAHAAHHAA. Others have come close, but as far as laffs per minute, this song KILLS. It makes up for "are we there yet". Wait, no it doesn't.

Note for Stephanie: I almost put AMG's bitch betta have my money up. 100% USDA GRADE A BEEF! CALL ME!
Note for everyone else: Stephanie rocked my world with this song when we were in college. I dont think I ever laughed so hard from a cd booklet. Listen to it with headphones on.

SInce i got on the topics of dis'n'song, I shouldn't forget this gem:
The ode to hubris! And a SMART song.

See, he was smart waaay before he married that GODDESS Coco. This song is pretty brilliant. Each part attacks a certain "sub genre" of Moron Arrogantis. And coming from NY, Im WELL ACQUAINTED with this animal (that, mind you, eats its own poop, but more on this later, if ever). Not that it only comes from new york: in FACT, the most fascinating specimen of moron arrogantis was sighted in Austin Texas. Serious. He was of a sub genre not really addressed in this song, but, I wont hold Ice Ts omission against him. Im fine with the "hardass/dumbass", "flash cashers" and "hot shit for ten minutes, then just plain cold shit forevermore" he deals with. But the broader issue seems to be the old adage about empty barrels making the most noise. Moron Arrogantis is the walking breathing equivalent of this maxim. And this is its anthem. So WISE! WISE WISE WISE!
Wise enough to allow me to ignore his frequent abuses of the female bathing suit in his videos.

Wednesday, October 8, 2008

Good Tune

Forgot about this one. Saw it on a list this AM.

Jeez lots of songs about dancers. I can name like five offhand: dancer (soccio) tiny dancer (elton) private dancer (tina), another one i dont want to mention b/c it may real some significant lameness on my part. Wait, thats 4. I can only do 4! Ive turned myself into a liar! The disappointment! The shame!

Mr Glitch, decimals, farms, king crabs and the reiners

Mr. Glitch has become like, an obsession in this house since Mathman made the scene again. He' s just such a cynical little moany whirlwind! Ornery! Haggard! Over-it! LOVE HIM.

So, here is a MATHMAN where he wins. I found this one slightly difficult! Maybe I need to find a SONG about decimals.

Sorry, instead I found a song about fractions.

JESUS CHRIST THIS IS TOTALLY FKING TERRIBLE. Really. This is like "agadoo" bad.

"action at the fraction farm"? Sure the girls are ugly, and the place looks like it would smell like animal feces and dank, but is it really necessary to refer to the place as a farm?

Speaking of farms:

This is a scene from a movie called "the Loved One" starring a lot of people. Its a classic "WTF" movie and may or may not have been banned when it came out.

Wiki this movie. Read the book. It may be, with Wheres Poppa? one of the most inappropriate films ever.

Of course, here is Wheres Poppa. This is one of my favorite scenes in ANY MOVIE.

"keeps it in a jar in his room...".

Im kinda pissed that i cant find the scene in Central Park online. Where his brother is in the gorilla suit and meets garett morris in the park. You know that scene; with the song called "you better move that ass". The one where he gets the flowers delivered to him in jail?


Tuesday, October 7, 2008

Run DMC on Reading Rainbow

Not their finest moment.

lol, rock the shelves. thats my personal favorite. Its about reading. HAW HAW HAW.

Monday, October 6, 2008

PBS crap from MY PAST

Picture pages picturepagestimetogetyourpicturepages

No wonder Im such an idiot. Just look at this crud I used to watch. I LOVED THIS. Watching it now, im slightly horrified.
First, the whole worm/bird having to share a home. That is just terrible, terrible that the poor things have to live together instead of being able to act out gods great plan of one being the other's dinner. All because of the ever increasing cost of local rents in their area. Can a premise BE MORE STUPID? The only thing that comes close to being as stupid is that whole "tshirt over a collared shirt" thing he has going on. Who does this?

Oh, and how BITTER am I about that pen? Did they ever make it? I dont think they did. I wanted that pen. I still want that pen. Nothing screams mature adult like a beeping pen, right? I just checked: they did make the pen and there are some really crazy people out there willing to pay some serious money for one. DAYUMN! Picture Pages!

OK: GET READY PEOPLE. Im about to introduce you to what I consider, my lowest, LOWEST, point of tv watching as a child.

Square One TV. It taught you math and it was on PBS. It was on after some science show i used to dig. I also stunk at math so i figured, eh. Im not even going to do the math and see how old i was when i watched it, b/c its probably terribly embarrassing. (Phew, i was like 10).

Im game for anything that i may learn something from, and (on the bright side) this is really terrible, even by childrens programming standards. That menacing tornado thing and his bone chilling intro music! Cant you just FEEL THE TENSION? No? Granted, this wasnt a mensa exam: its PBS for god sakes. And probably like Canadian. BUT: I bet you didnt know a square was actually a rectangle. I didnt.

And therein lies the problem with SQ1. Well, one of them. Sometimes, in between gasps of astonishment, eye closing winces and bearing witness to what some will do for an Actor's Equity card, you learnd-ed things. But usually not.

Here's a love song about....percentages.

"eight hundreths of the time youre the only girl on my mind". SWOON! If someone said that to me, I'd break 80% of their teeth and knee them in 50% of their balls. That adds up to 130%. Im a special kinda gal I guess. I cant be confined by your 100% oppressive normality. I just wont.

Be/c im feeling generous Im going to spare you Mathnet, and all the other "math related" skits and songs. You tube them tho. But make sure you have a bucket handy. Use it for either puking in or hitting me as punishment for introducing you to its awfulness. Please NOT BOTH. One or the other.

And for redemption: This show was great. Im hoping this is included in the "life flashing before my eyes" thing when i die.

But, knowing my luck it will be SQUARE ONE!

Sunday, October 5, 2008

Worst Musician in the World Contender 2: Fela Kuti

I can almost hear the anger in some of you. I know, how DARE I, DARE I insult such a man: a music man, a Nigerian political hero, a man who everyone seems to think is soooo sooo talented and has, since his death, become the embodiment of African Music/Pride? WHY?

B/c Fela Kuti, in life, was a TOTAL PIECE OF SHIT. And b/c im kinda horrified that there is almost NOTHING on the internet about how FK barely qualified as a human being. Im pretty good at separating art from artist, and i try very hard no to allow the idiocy of one to affect my appreciation of the other. But some peeps are just SO FOUL. FK is one of em.

I remember DISTINCTLY how he acted when AIDS hit Africa- how he kept doing/espousing his polygamist/fuckeverythingthatmoves philosophy when he, in fact, had AIDS. And rather than take his status as a man with incredible political power and use it to fight rumors like "bleach kills aids if you douche with it", he stuffed it, fucked it (didnt bag it though) and died, taking a bunch of people with him. I wonder, how many groupies/wives died because of him? Dunno b/c its completely not spoken about. The only reason i know this stuff is because I read the NYT religiously at that point, and FK was a big problem for those trying to address AIDS in Africa. I remember thinking "what an asshole". And its pretty sad that now this asshole has become some sort of patron saint of pan africanism?

BULLSHIT. Africa has many, MANY, other talented, caring and giving people to choose from if you are looking for people to be proud of. Why him? Can you pick someone better to idolize? Someone both talented AND with a conscience?  

Fela Kuti is such bullshit. I need a cup of coffee. And possibly a sedative.

PS. his music stank too people. Sorry! 

Here is the ONE thing i found from (thank you sir!)

I Will Never Die."  (ed note: Wrong Em Boyo!)

Fela told the press that recent his skin rashes were spiritual in origin-he was "changing skin," with a new skin scheduled to appear on January 1, 1992. (ed: lizards and snakes shed skin).  He claimed he was still making love three hours a day-as well as brushing his teeth for an hour and taking 45 minutes in the bath, during which he would do "a series of body-building exercises." (ed: unless its heaving and crying to work out his gag reflex, i aint interested) 

He dismissed as "junk" the 11 members of his band who left him during his 1991 US tour, instead emphasizing that he had a great time: "I had sex with all my girls in my band, and I got two extra American girls. Also I had a regulation that any Nigerian who wanted to see me [backstage] must give me present, and the only present I like is igbo [Indian hemp]."  (Ed. I wouldnt spit in his face if it were on fire)

Smoking one of his 15-inch-long igbo joints, the 56-year-old Fela even claimed he was immortal: "I will never die; my ancestors have told me so."  (ed: Well then Fella you need new people!)

Fela's Choice  (ugh.)

But Fela's health had begun to deteriorate. It was obvious to those close to him that something was seriously wrong. The sexually promiscuous Fela-who had refused to use condoms his entire life, on the grounds that they were synthetic, non-African and a conspiracy against black men experiencing full pleasure-had AIDS. He refused anything but traditional African folk remedies.

"I think he thought he could not catch the disease," says Femi (Ed: Femi is his less offensive son). "I don't know why. But back then, nobody has really taken the disease very seriously. So many people have died from the disease in Nigeria and we don't hear because nobody comes out to say 'Yes, he died from AIDS.' Everybody believes that it's a shameful disease."

"Fela did not have to die from AIDS," says Sandra. "People don't have to die from AIDS in the '90s. That was the choice Fela made.

Um. Ok Sandy Baby. You keep telling yourself this. Just keep it to yourself. I just love how Fela was so "pro africa roots", but yet he had no problem pouring gallons of gasoline on his Nigerian family tree when all he needed was a goddamn bag of sand (and some BALLS) to put the fire out.  

Nice hero. 

Friday, October 3, 2008

Disco House & unexpected nostalgia

Wow, this post started out kinda fun and then ended up making me feel sort of sad!

ORS. Sizzle!

Switch: the best beat in town

How many times have you heard this sampled?

Kings of Tomorrow: Finally

Jesus. I need to email this song to someone.

Sigh. This song made that self portrait i hide in my attic all deformed.

I need to stop here. Im feeling very "get off my lawn-ish".