You might want to sit down

Wow. Just wow. Good going Melbourne. You must be so proud. That dude in the leather jacket at the end sure is.

Let us remember a time when THIS was the worst rap to stab our ears and eyes. A happier time.

Who Says Romance is Dead? Not Candy Pants!

Candy Pants. A song called Candy Pants. Its so terrible. So SO terrible.


Id even give you a chance...to take off your pants... id eat the seat. Oh GOD it just gets WORSE when he stars to talk about her being a honey-dripper. Really.

Thank god he's a minister of sobriety, because for a second, I thought maybe he was a crackhead and this was just a drug mess. So its actually a sober mess, which makes it way more entertaining.

Oh and do they have to run to his house with a mattress on their backs b/c he doesn't have one?

PS. I found this gem while looking for a commercial for "Skidz". It occurred to me that instead, I found a skidmark.

BAHZING!

Oh and here is Will Shatner "singing" How To Handle A Woman.



Its simple: just ask to get into her candy pants.

Something I Didnt Know & Now Do: the Edgar Winter Group STINKS

Ill be honest. Ive got almost NO prog rock chops. I always assumed my sincere lack of interest was b/c im completely superficial- boys who liked prog rock bands weren't cute, and if they were, they werent cute enough for me to feign interest in their boring mathbands. To me, prog rock will always evoke images of Rush, split ends and light blue stone washed jeans. Not a cute look. Even when the better looking kids decided that it was "the thing to be into" I STILL didnt like it. Besides, prog rock has like zero balls. The outfits are ugly, there is NO sex appeal to any of the songs- honestly, Id rather listen to a hearing test for an hour.

Perhaps I just "dont get it".

And its not for lack of trying. Ive listened to King Crimson, own records by the Incredible String Band, and am fully familiar with that shit band Kraan. I've EVEN suffered through a Bill Bruford concert where he teased me from the stage (in good humor, nice man). One band though, I remained blissfully ignorant of. The Edgar Winter Group.



Why? Because I was afraid I may actually have to "eat it" so to speak- in other words, I was afraid i might like them. Like what happened with that band Ride. It doesnt take much for me to admit im incorrect, but accepting certain things (like an affinity for prog rock) are so internally disruptive you just have to take your time exploring it, and guard against the upheaval. Besides, they have a pretty vast collection of music. Odds are, Id like SOMETHING. Even just a little.

The good news is I was, THOROUGHLY disappointed in their music. Sloppy mess. Almost encompasses everything I dislike about prog rock, except his hair is straight and seems healthy. HOWEVER. The Group itself? HOT MESS.

Here's some EWG interestingness:

1. Dan Hartman was in that band. As in "instant replay".
2. Edgar worked on David Lee Roth's "Crazy From the Heat".
3 Edgar winter made a disco record.
4. In 2006, Winter joined Hamish Stuart, Rod Argent, Richard Marx, Billy Squier, and Sheila E touring with Ringo Starr & His All Starr Band. (WOW IS THAT HORRIBLE and id PAY to see it)
5. Edgar Winter is a hXc scientologist. (read: idiot)
6. That record cover that is so freaky is actually what he looks like. Which i find interesting.
7. He continues to thrill audiences with his live performances, always remaining on the cutting edge of music and style. Edgar is now at the very top of his game, and his future looks even brighter than his past. (his words, NOT MINE)
8. Frankenstein is probably one of the worst songs I ever heard and as usual most people disagree with my assessment.(My words)

I dunno, he seems to me like the Poor Man's Alice Cooper.

thank god.

Nothing good ever happens to people named George in songs.

4 is like, statistically impossible. Dont ever name your kids George people. Bad things happen to them.

Toto: Georgy Porgy (aka George loses his lover bc he blows it and goes all soft on her.)


Actually, the song/poem GP is supposed to be about King James' supposed gay lover George Villers.

Here's the real "georgie porgie" in action:
Villiers reciprocated the king's love and wrote to James: "I naturally so love your person, and adore all your other parts, which are more than ever one man had" and "I desire only to live in the world for your sake". Villiers gained support from those opposed to the current favourite, Robert Carr, 1st Earl of Somerset.

So georgie made em cry b/c he liked to "do" the boys. The King no less. Damn George. Flatter a man's penis and it will get you anywhere, huh?

To recap: its a song about a girl who has sex with lots of men, with a reference to a poem about a boy who harasses girls but is actually really about a gay courtier but they changed it to be hetero. Phew. Got that?

Rod Stewart: The Killing of Georgie (Georgie is gay and gets beat to death)

Oh lord, get your hankies and barf buckets ready. How brave of you, Rod. With a name like Rod, and a penchant for wearing lipstick, you "went there" and wrote what is probably the most "im ok with you gays" song there ever was. And this from such a hetero specimen as Rod. No one gay would have done that "Infatuation" crap. You know, the song with the video where he stalks that frosted haired lady. That song stinks of balding desperate heterosexuality. Like a Mets game.

Some drag queen singing Van Morisson's Madame George (aka: a song written by a drunk about another drunk).

I dont like this song. But i will say this version is an improvement.

And as a preemptive bitch, all you VM morons go die. I like VM but i dont like Madame George. Everyone needs to stop sweating that song. People like, loooove this song. I dont understand why. I never understood why. And unfortunately, unlike college, there is no one i can cheat off of to understand why. So, I will go to my death not knowing. But Ive made my peace with that.

And, last but not least.
Mc Lyte: Poor Georgie. (aka: Dont drive while depressed and keep your hair tight always even when drunk)

Georgie-you win! Although you were a drunk and probably spun the "std wheel" a little too often for my tastes, he's dead and hes got a girl writing songs about how dope he was even WITH bad hair.
In comparison to heartbreak, smashing your head on a rock or being a saggy tittied drag queen in some dank bar, Georgie made it out ok.

And by ok I mean completely horribly. But its the best we can hope for in these sad times.

Anyone capable of throwing heavy objects really long distances?

B/c if this is you, i need you to hurl a brick at Australia for this.


Ugh, ONCE AGAIN, australia gets it totally incorrect. This song SHOULD make me want to love. Instead it makes me want to do terrible TERRIBLE things. But only after I straighten his goddamn hair. My feelings on curly hair on front men could be the subject of an entire blog entry, and maybe someday will, but for now, suffice to say, I dont think his makeover would be complete without a black eye, a bunch of chipped teeth and a broken bone or two. But at least his hair would look better.

Im especially upset b/c i love that organ.
I'd also prefer it if the aforementioned brick be aimed at HIS organ. B/c if he in fact "has a lot of love" and he's spreading it out, that may mean we will someday have scores of little curly haired things with "melodic positive affirmations" scurrying around on this earth. And I just CANT allow that to happen.

I hate these types of songs. In FACT, this song is coming real REAL close to matching what I believe to be the MOST ANNOYING song in the history of recorded musical drek: The Logical Song.



OOOH DO I HATE THIS SONG. This is the song that will be playing ad nauseam when I eventually go to hell for all the sinful things Ive done on this earth. (Note: ad nauseam: more than 1x) This "thing" has everything i hate in a "song": a mention of a vegetable in the lyrics, too much rhyming, and a lofty message about the virtues of self exploration. Mental self exploration.
The least entertaining type of self exploration.

Here is someones comment on YouTube on this piece of garbage

written by Hodgson: very personal lyric for him: "You can't preach to people, but you can stimulate their thoughts, and I think that this song does do that. I hate to use the word 'message,' but the thought here is that throughout childhood you are told so many things, and yet you are never told who you really are; you are not told anything about your real self. Very rarely, anyway. We are taught how to function outwardly, but not told who we are inwardly, and no one explains it to us.

Here's a thought: You're an idiot. By definition no one else but YOU can define who YOU are.

And b/c im generous like that, here's another thought:

You can lead a whore to culture, but you cant make her think. Thats MY message. To think that someone takes these lyrics to heart and may use it as their "banner anthem" makes me want to have like fifteen kids. Just to even out the odds for humanity.

Oh and PS. The curly hair thing is totally b/c of Boston. So sad. So SO SAD.

Oh and this is totally a good "feel good" song. Its positive affirmations done correct. Sunlight. Rebirth. And a Rockman.
Boston's band history is an interesting read. Wiki it. Too bad this positive speak didn't work for their singer. But being a lawyer will make anyone off themselves.

Zero Points in Eurovision Contest

Courtesy of Turkey.

You Make My Pants (want to get up and dance)

Im a gal of few words when it counts.
Englebert Humperdink. 1982 Las Vegas Hilton.



I came across this gem a year or so ago, and then forgot who it was that performed this song. Naturally you can understand my excitement in remembering that it was mr HUMPERDINK. Humperdink. What a stooooooooopid name.

That being said, this is perhaps the video most worthy of being on a website called "the slop sink". Enjoi.

WHAT?

Its called Mellow Mellow Right On. Its by some band called Lowrell. I used to know it as "lately" by Massive Attack.

Since i cant find a video for it, heres the video for Unfinished Sympathy. A video I never saw.

Jesus christ, this song ripped my heart out when i was a teenager. Kinda like what "lately" is doing to me now.

Oh, and Massive Attack remains one of the bands i was MOST disappointed with. Blue Lines is the only good record. And yes, im including protection. Dont even talk to me about that other shit.

Boney M blows it again

"sunny"


WHAT THE HELL. Really? I should just change this blog to the "I hate Boney M" blog. I love this song. The real one. It doesnt need to be touched. No covers, no remixes. NO NO NO.

The Only one. ONLY ONE.

What do YOU think?

When i first heard D.A.N.C.E, it bothered me...like, this reminds me of something. Something that wasnt as good.

Then I came across this. And i remembered Boney M. And how their version of I Cant Stand the Rain is the best version of that song. And then i remembered that the song i liked was NOT in fact by Boney M, but by Eruption. And then I said, oh so it totally makes sense that i dont like Ma Baker, b/c i guess i dont like Boney M.

Still a good song... a real good song... better than Boney M. Way better. And as an added bonus, I havent heard this song ad nauseum, so i can still enjoy it. Its one of the fringe benefits of having your musical head up your metaphorical ass. Eventually, it all "gets" there, so to speak. And by the time it does, no one else wants to be bothered with it.

Also, my dog LOVES this song. It always gets his tail wagging.


but...

Boney M: Happy Song
Maybe its the kids? On some days, I feel it. Some days I dont.


here's eruption. The lead singer of this band, I think, is absolutely perfect. In every way. Every way.


UPDATE! I found an OK Boney M song. (see earlier post re: musical mediocrity and one offs) Even better? Bad vocal synch up and bad, BAD dancing. Daddy may be cool, but he cant dance for shit.

Daddy Cool. Redemption.