terrible terrible commercial w too much fog.

Its a rocket launcher alright. :14 in you're launched into what i would have to say is THE WORST commercial i have ever seen. If i were to count the things "wrong" with those mere :15 seconds, i BET i could find 1 awful thing per second. That face when he says "Oh no". His flying thru that fake ass universe on his keyboard. That triple turn. All that wind in his curly frizzy hair. That fog.



no, not THAT fog. (dont i wish)

Total and complete shit records.

I cant even think of an introductory sentence for what is to follow. I will warn you: get a bucket handy.


Sigh. Hearing this piece of garbage drags me right back to my childhood. Shuddering in horror at how, my led zep and patty smith and talkin heads loving mom not only HAD this record, but would listen to it. A lot. Ugh. Just listen to these lyrics. Kids dont understand romance, and quite frankly, are usually horrified by it. Young me was no exception.


But If pailed in comparison to this lovely little ditty that could turn even the most bright sky dark fucking black and stormy. JESUS GODDAMN CHRIST. Not only did this song remind me of grandpa (quiet man of music who happened to be blind) but ugh its so depressing. And the music is so boring that it really makes you focus on the lyrics. When this record would come on (via stereo in the house or tape in mom and dad's car, i would HOWL. ABSOLUTELY HOWL. People wonder why i chewed on my parents leather volvo interior- this is why.


Well well well. ANOTHER DAN FOGELTURD song. This was a minor annoyance in comparison to the leader of the band, but again, file this under "kids dont "get" love songs and they dont like them. Creepy. Oh and how many people really love this song? And what does this SAY about humanity? This video looks like a life insurance ad.


ZZZzzzzzz.....FIle this under really boring story songs. And really what a song it is. The first part of the song you cant even figure out if he's singing about his daughter or his wife. I wanna know how she died. Maybe she hung herself from that tree. And his logic is flawed; he could be with her if he could. Its easy; im sure the tree is still there.


Again, Bobby Goldsboro. Notice that this post has REPEAT OFFENDERS? I hope you did. Cos i noticed. And it goes w my 2 rule: 2 good songs and ill pay attention to your band. Which means that im SURE these 2 vomitocious bands have a LOT more schmaltz in their repetoire than I have discovered thus far. Which also means that I have some really really bad records I need to listen to.

the Saints, the Damned and the Monks

For some ODD raisin, I feel like hearing this today. Lol, captain sensible on drums?




There is a sequitur! The damned covered this (good too).



And uh, YES, i know about the Monks. And this is the only song by them i like.

I dont like Scott F*cking Walker

I know, kinda a lot of vitriol huh? Oh ive got reasons. Actually one. I just heard this.....thing.



MY HEART! The sheer FUCKERY! WHAT IS THIS (besides the WORST version of one of the best songs ever written)? I heard this and wanted to bash my head on my table. My table is glass. I considered that factor and still wrestled with the idea for a bit. And here i was, thinking I left Scott Walker and his fey ass back in college; never to be annoyed by him again. WRONG.

Dusty's version makes me want to cry; this one makes me want to drop dead.

This is his ONLY GOOD SONG. And i am using the adj good generously. Like "community service" generously (read: forced).

Spoonie Gee The Big Beat, the sex song with no sex in it

So sorry, NOT the godfather cos i dont like that song.



Anyway. How awesome is this? Once upon a time, little me used to religiously listen to hot 97s old school @ noon w/ Red Alert, and once in a while he'd drop this and well, i'd be one happy little suburban white girl. Mind you this was before the intronets, so at best i could guess who sang it, and/or ask people at stores who would inevitably send me to the fucking wrong record. And so it sat on the mental shelf till this drunken ass Fri am when Red Alert came on (at 3 am no less, thank you Kiss FM) and i was reminded of its greatness.

99 cents later, its all mine. And its got me thinking. Why dont people do songs like this any more? You know what kinda song im hinting at: this is a song about SEX. Notice: not one curse nor mention of a body part! To find a hip hop song about sex that isnt completely filthy (and uh, a total turn off if you wanna go there) is like finding a Seven Sisters grad on the ho stroll. Which in this economy may be slightly easier than normal, but still kinda impossible.

My long and belabored point is that...ok, i dont really have one. Im gonna get to work on that.

PS. Peaches/Kool G/Ghetto Boys are exempt from the above discussion b/c their lyrics are hyperbole and funny as fuck.

Bonus Non Sequitur!
Well a semi non sequitur. Here is another Red Alert "mystery/usually misidentified" song from le old school at noon. Another Man by Barbara Mason. I cant even tell you how many shiteous records are named "another man"; but i can tell you only one f em accuses its subject of "switching more than she does" and stealing her sexy dresses. AND WALKING DOWN MARKET STREET! Oooh! Escandalo!

OH NO HE DIDNT!

Don Drummond Interestingness

The Curious Case of Don Drummond

File this under WTF.

Murderer? Insane? Victim? There isnt much up that i could find re: the Margarita murder, but this article kinda sums up the weirdness. Someone needs to write a book on those 2.

PS. I personally find the Skatalites boooooring. I even fell asleep on the floor once during a their concert. Swear. They were third up in a line of 4 bands and i needed my rest for the Special Beat. Yes, the Specials and the English Beat.

Oi! Im embarrassed.

Neil Diamond's Hello Again Special 1986

And here I was, thinking Id seen the lowest of the low. NOT SO. This is really truly an awful awful dated piece of trash, albeit a highly entertaining one. As if we needed further proof that everything in the 80s was total crap...

Part One! Of Five! CAN YOU HANDLE IT?