The Worst Musician in the world: Contender 1

Guy. Wrecks n Effect. Jane Child

What sort of untalented human being is responsible for this collection of, um COMPLETE TRASH?

Teddy Riley. I'd add a photo, but i dont want his face on my computer, mingling amongst my files. Gross. Im feeling nauseus already. Just from the Jane Child clip. I hated that song so much. And now that i know TR did it, i hate it even more. Im blind with rage. I need to... Chill.



HOLY SHIAT is this a BAD video. I mean the song is bad enough, but the video is completely SUB SUB PAR. And confusing. This is a sexy song? I mean, it gets me in my stomach ( every time they look in the camera I feel a heave come on), but id hardly qualify turning green as sexy. Actually, i should warn you: if this post seems a little disjointed its b/c im throwing up and writing at roughly the same time. Arent I talented?

I NEVER understood this kind of music. And i was in love when these songs came out. Like "stupid love"- and i STILL didnt get it. Its not even a real slow jam- unless its a "jam" for "slow" people, which this certainly qualifies as.

Mind you, "Let's chill" wasnt the song I was most inundated with (and therefore, the song that I hate the most). Oh so many other products of TR cupped my ears on a daily basis. At the pizza place. The bagel store. On Mtv. On radio. But despite the torturous innundation, one song manages to still make me immediately angry upon hearing it. Its a special song I guess.

Wrex n Whatever New Jack Swing

Ah, introduced to the co conspirators. Those (f)artists who, along with TR, ruined my appreciation of (then) modern R&B and simultaneously sampled every old record i liked thereby ruining it. Lets mire through the new jack swing sewer and shovel out a few, shall we?

Kool Mo Dee: I dont like him now, and i never liked him. FAIL.
Heavy D? UGH. Maybe that first song where he diddly diddly deed' or w/e but after that? GROAN.
Redhead Kingpin: Since when? I never considered him NJS and Id prefer it, Teddy Riley, if you didnt ever again. Just b/c you indulge in the cabbage patch in your video, does not make you NJS.
Al B Sure/Keith Sweat: Now here we have a problem. I had many a friend (ok, and me too) who thought Al B Sure was just, um, well...just great. He was up there with Shock G from Digital Underground for me. Please, dont laugh about the Shock G thing. Ok you can laugh b/c he is kinda fug huh? I blame it on the second side of sex packets. It came out when i was 13: and, um, well... Nevermind.

Anyashamed, keith Sweat's I want her" is actually a favorite of mine, and Al B was just hot. And these songs kinda work when the singer is hot. Teddy Riley is not hot. F-. Actually, he sucks so bad he gets a new letter: N. As in "not if you paid me a million", "not in a million years" or "not ever".

And as an FYI, I think the dude who screwed Teddy Riley out of his royalties/copyrights is in this video. And as another FYI: 1990 was the year of the sexually uncomfortable song: Hearts "All I want to do is make love to you" came out that year. Not a good year.

Next Exhibit?
Boom and Zoom and Barf, and the "lemonade was a popular drink and it still is" award for shit lyrics:


This makes me PISSED. First of all, is that "Any Love" they are sampling? How DARE THEY.

Second: "Come here to claim your award: heres a hint, its like a long sharp sword"... PARDON ME?

Sharp sword? Award? Wow. I cant think of anything that arouses me more than a man comparing his penis to a weapon used to chop off limbs and, ugh, eviscerate people. And second, what the hell did she do to deserve that? Thats an award? Whats punishment? (dumb question: the whole thing is punishment).

Third: i read that Pharell was partly responsible for this turd, but that doesnt really shock me since i dont like his stuff anyway. The real crime here is that shell shaped bathing suit. Id like to have a discussion with whoever dreamed up that winner. ANd yes, Id bring a bag of shells to beat some sense into them.

Fourth:
As if we needed to point out how unrealistic this cacka fiesta is: reed instruments are not good near salt water. So the cruel abuse of that instrument deserves to be noted. I've watched How Its Made: I know the pain, toil and crafstmanship needed to make one of those. In fact, I'd wager that sax is the most talented thing in that video. And its treated like shit.

The only positive thing i can say about this video is that at LEAST these dudes wore shorts, UNLIKE Hammers pumps in a bump. Because you know this is essentially the same video. And im not sure who that reflects on worse: Me (for knowing) or Hammer (for copying) or TR (for the original sin).

In case this all wasnt enough to make you lose your luncH;

wiki: Link to all the terrible TERRIBLE music NJS is related to.
Jane Child. New Kids. Tone Tone Tone. Color Me Badd. Enjoy kids.
New Jack Swing: Shitstory